I mean who does that? I almost ran over a bicyclist yesterday on my way home from work. He was sticking out of his lane onto mine and even though I was going a mere 45 miles an hr, I am sure his whole charade would have been totaled. The honest truth is people don’t know what to make of cyclists. Are they even suppose to be apart of car traffic? What about those bicycle lanes? I mean I will have to drive through one to turn on this street? And what’s with the fancy get-up? I understand the helmet but what about the skin-tight aqua green clothes? Is it really for people to notice a bicycle rider on the road or are you just trying to show off your body with 0 and I mean 0 body fat. Thanks bicyclists! If I didn’t feel fat sitting in this car before, I certainly do now! On second thought, forget bicyclists. No awards for you! You smug arrogant fools who think you own the road. Next time, I just might give your back tire a tap!
I read an Aladdin book to the girls the other night. If I had a genie, I probably wouldn’t use him correctly as other would. I wouldn’t ask for like a million dollars right away. Maybe in small increments. Cause you never know, the government might get suspicious.
I would ask for dumb things that are actually really important to me. For instance, I have an obsession with getting to work on time. And it’s not what you think. I am not trying to get ahead (HONEST!) or impress the boss. I just like being on time. I have an obsession with time! And now that I am dropping off my daughter at school, I am not the early bird no longer. So right after I hug my daughter and watch her line up with her class, I would then have my genie POOF! me to my job. Not only would I be insanely on time (so much I would laugh my evil ass laugh), but I would avoid the morning dumbasses that piss me off in them morning. The ones who think the left is the cruising lane! Yeah, you know who you. Lady with the big hair do in the tan mini van! Mini vans should not even be allowed on the freeway. Only the suburbs! I am getting sidetracked. Back to my genie. Furthermore, to either promote or extinguish my paranoia, I would like my genie to make me invisible when need be. Have you ever got the feeling your being talked about? I do. A lot! I know I am weird, awkward, and I do silly things like fall while standing up (bad ankles ya”ll!). And that might cause others to, well, talk about me. How wonderful then would it be to become invisible and listen to what they are saying? And then I would have my genie magically provide me with some Xanex cause after listening to people talk about me. I know I might need it.
You know whats wonderful? When you find an old CD you made when you were a kid of such awesome songs. I did that yesterday. I was jamming out on the way home. Then my favorite song came on. I was so happy. But at this point, I must have reached the point where the CD was badly scratched and the whole song sounded chopped up. I just threw the CD out the window. That actually sucked.
The road I drive to and from work is a desolate road for about 30 mins. There are no stores or gas stations. It’s just desert for what feels like forever. And once you are on it, there is no going back. You must continue on your journey. And every day, I kid you not there are new cars left abandoned. I know some get a flat tire, run out of gas, or even break down. But how do you forget your car?! I would probably choose to die with my big baby. I mean first off, I would have no choice but to stay with it. It’s got a sweet magna flow system and a Bose stereo system that my husband would definitely want me to protect with my life. People might try to ransack it for all its worth. For god sake people, the leather seats have a heating system! I would wait there with it for as long as it took. In the hot sun, rain, and snow. “Tahoe,” I would say, “you’re an American SUV. You are gonna make it! Don’t give up. We will get out this jam somehow!”
And I would do this…. til I got hungry. Then I would have no choice but then to leave. Cause no one likes a hungry bitch. It’s just common knowledge.