I feel awful. Horrible. Distressed, worried. My baby is starting kinder! And it’s wonder when explaining this to people, they just don’t understand. It’s not that I want people to feel sorry for me, I just want some kind of assurance that it’ll be all ok. Not that I am some mother leaching lunatic.
Ryan woke me up at 4 am and then I couldn’t go back to sleep because there it was, in front of my face, the reminder that Savannah is starting school in 7 days. Does the time just disappear? Where does it go? Because I would like to find it and bury my face in it one last time. I know I have been writing about this alot but you have NO IDEA how much it weighs on me. I am terrified. And cause this is the beginning, a small beginning, but a beginning nevertheless of letting go.
It’s weird cause I was always a girl that was never terrified of the world. There was nothing I couldn’t do. I was relentless and independent and ambitious towards everything. I know it scared the lot out of my mother. Though, she went to college far from home and did some many things that she even refuses to talk about. That means that at one time, maybe she was a lot like me. But after having kids, the world just scares the shit out of you. Things that you once thought were so cool now scare you. There are no curtains to close on this world. The world just screams out. And now I understand, that my mother wanted to shelter my sister and I. Like the way I now want to do with my kids.
Truth be told, I don’t want my kids to be stained by the stupidness of religion or anything like that . I want to preserve the innocence as much as possible.
Like this weekend, she came up to me and asked me why everyone was brown in our family but her. She is very fair-skinned, blondish brown hair, and green eyes (go figure in a mexican family) and she was really hurt that she was so different. She wanted either to be like all of us or us to be like her. She cried. How does a four year old think to even notice that? Though my suspision rest on her annoying and mean half brother, I can’t say that she is not observant enough to figure it out eventually. Color an issue? WTF!
And then Gus wants to teach them about Jesus and about a God and I don’t want to poison their minds with crap like that. Religion is just bullshit in my opinion. And I don’t want that type of complication in their lives. I want them to be guided by their own true self. I want them to come to their own truths and leave by those. And I def don’t want them to be misguided or lied to. That’s why I am holding back because I don’t want to bombard them with any delusions just the truths that fit their simple, pure innocent lives.
And as I write this, I don’t want to be the one holding them back either. I don’t want to hinder them like I was hindered. And see that I am starting too. I want to be brave for them. I want them to be fearless and not be afraid to try new things. I want them to be independent and have common sense. And I see now, that in order to achieve that all, or at least provide some type of road for them, it starts as early as now. As early as in 7 days when Savannah starts school. I can’t break down and cry like I will be dying too. I need to be soo very brave and soo very strong that way she sees there is nothing to worry about. This is just an adventure in her new and unfolding life. And that even though I am letting her go bit by bit I will never be gone. She rather watching and observing.
And when I am alone is when I will cry.
Cry for my loss and for my gain too.