I can’t wrap my head around the fact that my little Savannah is going to be starting kindergarten in a few weeks. It bothers me so much that I can’t sleep. It just weighs and weighs on my mind. It appears any time I see a calendar which is like a million times during the day, and especially when I going to bed. The thought just lingers! I can be sensible and say and deep down truly believe that this is just life. School is a part of life. It’s a step that has to be taken. She is growing up. I can’t stop that. But then the very thought of the first day of school, when I am holding her hand and she is lining up with the rest of the class sends chills down my spine. I know how I will feel that day. I will feel exactly like the way she does. Scared out of my mind. She is so attached to me. She is never without me. All all she knows is her family. What if she cries? I know some kids cry. But what if SAVANNAH cries? That would tear me up inside. What could I tell her, promise her? And I know that eventually this will be just another day, but right now, I am not even there yet. So I have a lot to worry. I am dreading the first day of school. Right now, I can’t wait to get her excited about school. By buying her backpack of her choice and lunch box. And her cute folders and pencils. I mention it to her everyday that she will start school but I don’t think she fully understands what will happen. I am so worried. What if she cries all day? What if she doesn’t eat lunch? Will she make friends? Will she listen to the teacher? I understand that these are all things that are left to her and that she will figure out on her own. And til now, I have done everything for her. And to think, she is gonna have to make choices for herself and that mommy can’t be there. She might be scared, or hurt, or confused. And I won’t be there. Only after 5:30 pm when I get off of work. This doesn’t make me feel like a good mommy right now. I just want it to hurry up and be over and I just want it to be a day that never comes. This is the starting point of letting go. But I’m not ready. Damnit, she is only five. Imagine when she is 16? 18? Going away to college. They were suppose to stay babies forever. Gus says it will be alright. But the wheels have started turning. Pretty soon, I’ll be 40 with no babies. I can’t imagine never having babies. Ugh, this day sucks.
July 20, 2010