In the room where I sleep … my thoughts overflow.

The way things are…

Ryan is walking now.  He officially stands up on his own. He started that on Friday. And then he walks three steps and falls but then he gets up. That started yesterday. My little boy, my little man is trying to walk. It’s funny because it still feels like he was just born a few days ago. Time goes too fast. He is almost 11 months about to be a year. Pretty soon I won’t have my baby anymore.  And you know, through all these changes and new beginnings, and even closings on certain things, I wish there was that one person that was here so I can tell her about it.

Sylvia. Gus’s mom. She passed away this past June. And though it sometimes feels like forever ago at times and other times, the wound feels fresh like it was just yesterday, the words still come that are suppose to be just for her.  I thought about Ryan walking and how much as a mother you just want to boast about your baby and I remember doing that with Sylvia. And with each of them, Savannah and Sienna, she would see and know of all their lastest baby compliments. And it was like they just won the nobel prize. And this time, there is no “nobel prize praise” for my baby boy. No big grandma kisses on what a big boy he is.  I wonder what she would say about my baby boy.

I miss her. I think about her everyday and I am sorry that my Ryan will not remember as he should. I am sorry that he wont get to go to the park with her, have her run after him, or even squeeze him. The holidays which were always spent at her house, well its like the day she left us, everything that existed within her or even about her ceased to exist too. There is no more house. The holidays will still come. And we will still smile and laugh and give all to grave face for our babies but actually it will be there still behind our eyes, the words we just wont say. But they will be still be there, hanging in the air. And despite everything, she wont be here for the words we are used to hearing from her. And we will have the words for her but no one to give them to. 

Sylvia, Ryan is walking. He takes three or four steps and then falls. Every time he falls and looks up, he grins this crazy grin. You would laugh if you saw it. You would fall to pieces.”

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Comments on: "The way things are…" (2)

  1. Aww mama I totally know how that feels. My grandpa will never meet my husband or my kids and that kills me like nothing else. I miss him so much and I want to share everything with him and I can’t. Ppl say to talk to him anyway at his grave or just outloud but its hard to believe he hears you when you’ve been raised knowing otherwise for you entire life. I miss my grandpa so much and I’m glad that at least your girls and Ryan met their grandma. My grandma on my dads side is in the hospital right now and everyone is scared and I feel bad saying this but I feel like all my emotion towards losing grandparents is gone. Not completely gone but I don’t think it’ll hurt as much as my grandpas death. 😦 It’s not to say that I don’t love my grandma and grandpa its just that…..I don’t even know. I mean my dads parents were kind of mean to me growing up…my grandpa anyway. It’s only been till recently that he’s been good to me. I would say that last couple of years but after that my grandma started acting really bad towards me but she’s better now. I know for sure that my grandma Esther will hurt and my grandma mage but if somethin happens to my grandma rosie I’ll miss her but not as much as I miss my grandpa Pete. R.I.P. I know that sounds horrible

    • marinasleeps said:

      Nah your just closer to him.
      But no matter what family is family. Whether you feel a little bit or a lot towards them.

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