In the room where I sleep … my thoughts overflow.

Posts tagged ‘Insanity’

29 and Deep Fried

This past Sunday was my birthday. I turned 29 years old.

Weird.

Skunks

Who imagines being alive this long? Surely I would have been killed in a traffic accident or something gang related, but no I am still here … turning 29 years old.  I am scared to get older… who isn’t? However I think I am more in shock. Wasn’t I just 16 years old like yesterday? Wasn’t turning 21 while breast-feeding still like an hour ago?

Time has passed before my very eyes… and I now have been  alive 29 years. What the….

The shock has not subsided.

So…. I didn’t do anything to celebrate my birthday. I couldn’t.

Friday I went into panic year before 30 years old panic. I went to the store and bought all these facial creme and washes because if I am going to turn 29 years old I am going to damn well look at least 26! I was gone ho to start taking care of my skin, use the appropriate aging products and all that jazz.

I applied it Friday night, Saturday morning, then spent all afternoon  in the sun. And my facial wash and creme baked on my face  BURNING THE SHIT OUT OF MY FACE especially MY EYE LIDS! My eyelids were dark, wrinkled and puffy.

I aged 70 years  over night. Or got in a fight or cried my eyes out.

I was hideous! There was no way in hell I was going anywhere. And the whole situation made  me more mopey and depressed. I was so sad.

My hubby promised to make it all up to me next weekend, when I won’t look like a deep-fried chick.

Truth is, I don’t feel any different.  In my mind I am still 19. I will probably forever feel 19. The physical part is changing…. and I am trying to will it as much as I can. I honestly want to be fine with getting older but who knows when I will come to terms with it. Once being young is done, its done.

All I ask now is that convenience store clerk card… card the shit outta me please!!

Dress Shopping 101 -Don’t look like a hippie or a lady of the night

I went to the “glorious” mall this weekend in search for a dress to wear to the wedding. I am glad I went with my sister-in-law because I would have not known what to buy. In fact, who knows what I would have walked out  with. 3809563_f260

Ahem.

Apparently… I was going for the flow-y stoner dress that would allow me to go skipping through the fields right before they call you to eat some cake. WHICH makes sense to me because it is a garden wedding with hills and a small pond.

I was reminded that I needed a cocktail dress. I needed a dress that shouted I am related to the wedding party even though I am not officially in the wedding. I needed a dress that shouted also indecent proposals will be considered too.

When dress shopping for a dress, there are too many rules. For instance, you can’t wear white. Why not?! There were millions of awesome dresses in white. Truthfully, I may have been asking for trouble buying a white dress. I would have definitely spilled some thing on it. White is asking for trouble.   But again, why can’t you wear a white dress?!?! The bride isn’t going to wear white!!

Everything I picked wasn’t fancy enough. It had to hug your body like it was an anaconda trying to squeeze the life outta you.  At the same time, I could only look the part of an upscale hooker not actually be one. Try explaining that to the sales lady.

I loved all the dresses with pockets. 50034f-682x1024

However, that didn’t scream cocktail/wedding/sophistication/$1000 a night buddy. Still…. a dress with pockets?! I feel like that is a no-brainier. Think of all possibilities! All the little items I could be responsible for. All the little take home wedding accessories/candy I could leave with. Pockets mean safety for me. A place for awkward hands to be kept. A way to look casual and cool and not the least bit outta place.

Sigh.

I also loved the ones that looked very Grecian/Roman looking dresses.

C026-Black-by-Blush-Prom-Dress-S11But damnit, they were only available in white and I would have no idea where to store a bra. I am completely completely dependent on a bra. My chest malfunctions with strapless. I need the support!!

In the end I bought a black satin dress. I thought it was a bit biker looking but I was assured that it was not. I get to wear a bra (yay!!), it does squeeze me to stand up tall, and truth be told its something I never would have picked it but it’s daring so I figure what the hell.

The whole time my sister-in-law was trying to flatter me that I could wear a paper bag and still look good.

Then WHY WEREN’T WE AT WALMART THEN?!

The Weekend of the Eternal Break-Up

I have some really really devastating news. I am out of Takis… but worse than that… (hold me guys, hold me!) Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez broke up!!

I was not ready for this- this morning. I just can’t handle this!

First it was Rob and Kristen, now the Biebs and Selena!! What is happening to love?!?! I mean why even try anymore? Why even wake up?

I’m not only one feeling confused, lost, and on the verge of losing it based on this new celeb breakup.

This guy lost all reasoning…. seriously.

The next time Ryan McNames wants to lodge a consumer complaint, he’ll know better than to call the Columbia Police Department.

This Missouri man, 19, dialed cops Saturday night to report that he paid $60 to a pair of prostitutes to perform sexual acts for him. As McNames described it, the deal called for one woman to show him her breasts, while the other would perform oral sex on him in the living room of his mobile home.

Apparently only one “lady of the night” held up her part of the bargain while the other collected cash and bought ran to their car and jammed.

So what did McNames do?  He lodged a complaint! Hell yea! But wait, he didn’t call the HR of Prostitutes R US. No he called the cops!

He also requested that officers contact the woman who did not fellate him and “get $40 of his money back,” police reported.

And so he was arrested!

See what happens when you root for a celeb couple and they let you down!!
Don’t worry Ryan, time heals all things!

Another man is obviously in shock from the break up that he is just getting to work and putting on blinders to the rest of the world.

A man, Dale Porch, was dropped off at home last week after working the night shift for the Regional Transportation District but never made it inside. He died on his porch. Family members say hours later, a mail carrier walked by the body to deliver the mail but did nothing to help. The family says the carrier told them he thought the body was a mannequin, a decoration left over from Halloween.

That mail man was left dead inside. DEAD INSIDE Justin and Selena!!

This woman was arrested drinking and driving. Can you see the hurt in her face? The pain?

But seriously, Best. Mugshot.Ever.

So I leave you now to grieve, to grieve for America. All we can do is hope. Hope that love isn’t lost forever!

WTF Wednesday-Why I Love Twitter

So I don’t have to tell you yesterday was big news. Big!

Through all the tears, hard work, visiting states, baby kissing,  political ads and finally the announcement that many had been or not been waiting for.  Obama will be our president for 4 more years.

But through it all, I had a pretty good laugh.

Why?

Twitter kept me rolling. And I tried to keep up by re-tweeting. Here are a few that made my sign hurt and renewed my love of Twitter.

God Bless America.

America made Twitter so therefore… God Bless America!

My Life in 300 Words or Less

This is not going to about the election, who to vote for, or who I am voting for or whatever.

I know how I feel and that’s all I care about.

Plus it gets annoying.  Annoying is the people who swear the world is going to end if Obama wins. Shut the fuck up people. Tomorrow the sun will rise as it will the next day, the next day, and the next day.
And it doesn’t even matter you guys, the world is gonna end on December 21st anyway. Vote Mayan!!!

So back to what I originally was gonna post … I darn near forgot!

So here are something I have been thinking about in bullet point form. Feel free to discuss our organized and professional I am amongst yourselves.

  • It sucks to not have TV!! We have to wait a whole week for them to come out and align us with the sun or something like that. So I am depressed. I am missing my shows, football, my kids watching their cartoons and following me around asking for everything!  DIRECTV you have failed me!!!
  • Stop talking about the Walking Dead… I missed it!! God damn you Americans!!!
  • I may have to start clipping coupons. I need to save money. That or get a second job. Is anyone hiring?
  • Greatest singer ever: R Kelly. That guy can sing about anything. Sex, love, closets. Food for thought people.
  • Speaking of food…. I wish I had tamales.
  • I won tickets on my local and favorite radio show to go see Eddie Vedder!!! Yep Eddie Vedder… the singer of Pearl Jam. However, there is no Pearl Jam band anymore. It’s just Eddie Vedder with a ukulele. Hmmmm, unsure about this.

 

So there you have it. My life in 300 words or less.

Storm: Bring On the Crazy

Thanks to the internet, I have many friends in the East Coast. I know power is out but I am freaking out that I haven’t heard from them.

So in order to distract my mind from all the if’s, I streamed online for hilarious videos of people being crazy in the midst of the east coasts worst storm in years!!

This first video is near the center of where Hurricane Sandy hit, Atlantic City, New Jersey.

A reporter is out bearing it all for a great weather story stressing how serious the situation is and … well…. not everyone agrees.

On this  next video, I really hope this reporter has life insurance.

When they make this hurricane into a movie, they should call it Hurricane Sandy Epic Drift!!

Some people are not letting the storm stop them. Hurricane-smhurricane!

Others may feel the end is near and just living life to the fullest.  Gangnum Style.

And finally, we get the story straight out of someone who has been through this before.

Someone give these reporters a medal!!

Anyways: Stay Safe people. I am going back to worrying!!

WTF Wednesday- A Lesson in Teabagging

Have you heard this news story?

A video went viral on the Internet appeared to show someone in a University of Alabama jacket exposing his package  and tea bagged an unconscious man at a restaurant after the Crimson Tide beat LSU for the BCS football championship on Jan. 9.

Go search for it… I am at work so I can’t.

You know when you are drinking your favorite Earl Grey hot tea and you lift the tea bag in and out of the liquid …

that is not tea bagging.

Ha! (Hmmm… now I want tea…)

I knew that!

Great knowledge I will one day bestow on my kids.

No, tea bagging is when you are a dude and you place your balls on someone. And rub. Some also attempt to put the package in an unconscious or sleeping victim’s mouth.

Ewww I know… dudes are so gross. New hobbies gentlemen!! New hobbies!!

That Alabama fan was facing sexual battery charges but agreed to a lesser sentence of two years in prison.

Yikes!!

The LSU tea bagging victim has sued the guy, asking damages for “mental anguish, humiliation, embarrassment, anxiety and depression … damage to reputation” and lost tuition payments “for having to withdraw from school.”

Ok. I would totally prefer not to be tea bagged but I bet it’s not the end of the world. Clearly not mental distress. Just take a fucking shower.  And maybe a chemical peel….

In the end the tea bagger fucked himself. Why? Sure he shouldn’t have tea bagged someone but in reality the internet fucked him over. If you are going to do something criminal, don’t video tape it!!!

Retards!!

But back to the victim… do you honestly think you are the only victim of tea bagging ever?

There are male fraternities every where! I bet there is an orgy of tea bagging going on!!

I myself have been involved in tea bagging. And it was hilarious!!! Well not me per se. I lack the necessary equipment.

My best friend was drunk. And we were annoyed because he was falling everywhere. Finally, he collapsed at a field in a park. We were yelling at him for him to get his ass up but he was already in that stupid drunk faze.

His cousin mentioned that he should tea bag him. At this point, we were like yea do it. And he did, and it was hilarious!! It was either that or draw a gigantic dick and balls on his face.

Yea… my friend was a little peeved at me for a while… but it was pretty funny. Ahhh, good times.

And I feel it taught him a lesson.  He never got that wasted again.  And what 10 years later… he is very well-adjusted. He hasn’t killed anyone… yet.

So gentlemen… stick to the actual lifting of an actual tea bag. No one wants your junk on their face. And if you must, please make sure you have washed thoroughly! Last thing we need is a tea bagging disease to end the world.

And please, no photography!!

While You Crying Over the Olympics/Cutting Your Toe Nails I Was Trying Not to Dislocate My Hip

As some of you may know … or not know …. I can’t remember whether I announced to the world or not that I went camping last week for four fucking days.

I am such a glass house.

I like camping and have been going since I was young. The only thing that sucks is the whole bathroom/shower and the lack thereof.

However we went to a location where there were flush-able toilets and public shower. So it worked out. All I had to be weary of was not catching foot athlete, hepatitis, or dislocating my hip climbing the big rocky hills to get to the bathroom and back to the camp site.  I went to the bathroom every 30 minutes!!

Why?

Because I have kids with bladders the size of grape nuts!!!

Ha ha I said nuts….
————————–

So this weekend…. I have no idea how I stayed in the loop with the going on’s of the world but I did. Because I care people…. I care.

I especially fear for you guys safety at Wal-Mart. Apart from the usual crazy people … there are REAL psychos there.

Be warned!!!

Meet Aaron Morris.

This guy is in jail because he couldn’t help himself.

Morris is accused of groping a woman’s buttocks outside a dressing room at a Wal-Mart in North Lauderdale.

During questioning by law enforcement, Morris copped to grabbing the victim’s rear end and provided an explanation, of sorts, for his behavior, “Her booty looked so good,” he noted, “I just couldn’t resist touching it.”

Shudder….

Seriously why wasn’t this guy’s face mased to death!

So next time you need to shop for dinner…. don’t!

———

A successful businessman is selling his life on eBay.

What the ….???

After working hard to build a business and achieve millionaire status, a Florida entrepreneur is selling it all on eBay. This includes his successful video game stores, two beachside condos, several expensive cars and three kayaks. All for the small price of $3.5 million.

Small?!?!? If you have that money, you are rich!! You don’t need this guy’s life. You obviously have your own!!!

At least make it affordable!! Can we do it in payments?? Can he finance me??

 ”My name’s Shane, and I’m putting my American dream up for sale,” the young businessman says in his Ebay ad. Shane got the idea to pass on his success to somebody else after he heard about other people doing something similar. What?!?!? There were others??!!

He and his family are in search of a new challenge, and want to visit the world, so they decided to sell everything they’ve built so far. “If you build a castle, it’s awesome to sell it and then start building another one, hopefully bigger and better,” Shane said.

Excuse me for being shallow but …. I wanna buy this!! This is happiness. I want it!!!

Get this guy a brain scan just in case….

——————

And everyone is just going gaga over Miley Cyrus’ new do. If you just went huh to that sentence … lucky lucky you!

It is apparently a pixie cut.

This is soooo not a pixie cut!! Isn’t a pixie hair cut suppose to be cute?!?!

Help me here people.

It’s like my mother used to say….

“Did she get in a fight with a lawn mower?”

The answer is yes … yes she did.

 

THE DAY AFTER… the dentist

I bet you are dying to know what happened with my visit to the dentist. I know the suspense is killing you!

So I won’t hold back this valuable information any longer.

So here we go… yesterday. A day at the dentist’s office.

I had no trouble finding the place. Gus (The Hubs) was their previously a few weeks before . The office was currently under construction and was adding an addition building to the place so parking was a little confusing.

Once I found the place, it was enormous.

Inside the building, it was overwhelming.

Who is their decorator, I wondered. I got to get their number. It was so beautiful and sophisticated looking. It was not at all how a dentist office should look. Right away the beauty and sophistication made me nervous. What are they hiding??

A dentist office should put it all out there.They need to decorate to show the pain that will occur in the next few minutes.

They immediately put me on a computer to sign in and fill out forms. I was blown away by this. Is this how all dentist offices are? Is everything all high-tech?? Could I log onto Twitter with this machine?

Dentist office sure ask a lot of questions. They ask the important ones like if you have any diseases, if you are allergic to anything, are you currently taking any medicines? These I understand. The rest I was thrown off by.

Have you had any neck or head injuries?

Uhhh not that I remember.

Do you have any back pain?

Yes… what does this have-

Does your mother know you are gay?

What? Of course she doesn’t!!

When was your last sexual encounter?

Uhhhhhh

You need to have more sex with Gus.

That’s not even a question, wait… did Gus rig this??

Finally I was called.

I swear I panicked when I saw the dentist nurse. She was so little!! Smaller than me!!! And lucky me got her on her very first day!!

Granted, I gave her the benefit of the day cause we all have been there. We all had a first day.

But when it came to x-ray-ing… I sure didn’t like being the guinea pig.  She put this weird mouth piece in my mouth and I had to bite down on it in all angles of my mouth while she tried to take pics. The piece was making me gag. I was finding the urge to puke all over the seat.

FYI… I am not a puker… but I can’t handle anything in my mouth for long periods of time. I don’t what it is. It’s just a reflex … either swallow or puke it out. That is probably why I eat so fast.

The girl took a hundred pics. Seriously. I was about to get off the seat and do it for her!

Alas the doctor came in. A dude. And I must say he was the most nicest doctor I have ever met. Like seriously, he wanted to know everything about me. Everything. I felt loved.

The only thing is he asked all these questions as he was in my mouth. Why do they do that???

But if you know me, I am never one to run from a conversation. So yes, I answered him. But it come out more muffled and slobbery.

Hmmm hbrisdfjhmmmm sdjjfgm.

That is what I said. A bunch of times.

And he would keep talking to me. He must understand this dentistry lingo.

Finally he was outta my mouth…

2 cavities, one tooth that needed a crown and one dislocated jaw.

Wait… what??

A dislocated jaw??

He made it seem like it was no big deal. Sure everyone has to cut up their food in  smaller bites and take apart their hamburgers  bit by bit.

He said it was  something he could not fix.

I feel like a horse… someone should seriously put me down. I will be damned if I can’t eat a double meat with cheese and bacon correctly!

Sighhhhh….. major bummer. My life in those five minutes forever altered. If I had anything going for me, it was that I was this tiny petite girl  could eat steaks and double meat burgers in seconds. Now?It could take up to 20 minutes to eat. Who has this time????!!!!

I am still trying to figure out how this could have happen.  I think I would remember a car accident or getting nailed in the jaw.

And now that explains why there is a slight pain in my jaw at times.

I am going to apply for a disabled sticker…. that way I can get all the best parking. Hello… I am handicapped!! My jaw is dislocated!!

The disability office needs to understand how this has changed my life.

I can no longer eat burgers like a normal human being. Key word: normal. Me: disabled!

I can’t take punches to the jaw anymore. And I was always down for getting down at bars!!!

And sadly….

I sadly can’t keep my mouth open for  more than a few minutes.

Once I relayed the information to the hubs, he was deeply saddened by that last one especially. His quality time is suspended for as long as I can milk it!!

The only thing is if he sees me eat a massive burger the way I am not supposed to he is going to make sacrifice in other areas!!

Must listen to doctor orders!!

While You Were Experencing Beer Goggles/Taking Off Yours Clothes/Trying to Remember Your New Guest’s Name, I Was Hyperventilating Through A Brown Paper Bag!

You guys …  I am really going through some emotional stuff over here and I need your support!

Seriously.

Hold my hand … Good. Now look at me while you read my words… look at me!! Good.

In recent events, my world has been sent in a whirl wind. I don’t know how much more I can take.

It all started when Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt divorced.

But, but you promised to be together forever!!

Then Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillipe, J-Lo and Ben Affleck, Heidi Klum and Seal, Robin Wright Penn and Sean Penn, Scarlet Johansson and Ryan Reynolds, and then Katy Perry and Russel Brand. Who else could love that guy!??!?

I think of Kelly Preston and the fact that John Travolta might be gay!!

And when I think I can’t take anymore… I am hearing reports that Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are on the rocks.

I can’t handle this information… my state of mind is just to weak!

I am losing it!

Please tell me there is some love in the world…. Kristen Stewart and Robert Patterson are still doing great, right?

Right?

Right?!?!??!!??

I see you all laughing at this blog… completely thinking that I am just kidding. Am I though? Am I?!?!?

That is why I became an alcoholic for a day and half. Vodka flavored whipped creme completes me.

—–

Now to the nitty-gritty…

Batman can fly people! He can!!

Some physicists nerds at the University of Leicester claimed that Batman could fly. However, he would travel so fast, his landing would be the end of him. Bat guts everywhere!

They did some study and their conclusions was published in published in the University of Leicester Journal of Special Physics Topics.

Nerds just ruined Batman for me!!

——

In Australia,  police responding to a call got more than they bargained for when an eager bachelorette party mistook them for strippers.

The women reportedly attacked the cops tearing at there clothes. Man, ladies… don’t appear so eager!

What did these cops look like anyways? Cause if they look anthing like ours…

I’m just saying!!

———-

And finally, we can all agree that people from Florida are crazy. Some deal in bath salts, some eat peoples’ faces. It’s a lot of chaos over there.

This story is just further evidence that we need to check the water.

A burglar suspected to be behind a string of break-ins at an apartment complex in East Orlando is stealing nothing and harming no one. The man prefers to lie in bed and talk to his victims, one alleged victim said.

The woman, who was not hurt, feared that the burglar would turn violent on her. She allegedly ordered him to leave the apartment and he complied.

Hmmm, he doesn’t sound like a burglar to me. He sounds like an unannounced house guest. One that you just don’t know. You can’t call him a burglar if HE IS NOT STEALING!

Police said the burglar hasn’t hurt anyone but that they want to arrest him as soon as possible because they are not sure what he’s going to do next. Investigators are handing out flyers at an apartment complexes in Dovetail Villas and the Renaissance Apartments, hoping for a tip.

“He had cologne on he had nice dress slacks on. He’s not homeless, mental issues probably,” said the alleged victim.

“I hope they catch him. He really needs to get caught because he’s a psychopath.”

Would you guys feel better if did steal your TV?
Make friends people! Life is bigger then your Facebook. Unless of course you have more than 1,000 friends. If that’s the case, stay home!

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