How To Be Really Annoying At Work
April 24, 2012
I, MarinaSleeps, have tested the boundaries and limits of my co-workers. I almost led them to going postal… on me.
YeahI did that!
I got on people’s’ nerves! And you can do it to. Just follow my free easy steps and I will assure you that you will be on your way to being the jerk everyone KNOWS and LOVES despises.
1. Involve yourself in a discussion you know nothing about
And do it often. If you are new at this, you may need a little help. Doing this sober is only to cause you to hang back and look like an amateur. You need to get hammered. Pour a bottle of Bailey’s in your coffee or Vodka in your water. Whatever you need to do, do it to get hammered. This way you wont be afraid to show your ignorance. You soon will discover once the room starts spinning that you have VERY STRONG VIEWS on everything. You’ll be a WEALTH of information. You’ll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.
2. Make Things Up
Suppose your co workers are talking about Bangkok’s economy (again something you know nothing about) and you are trying to that Bangkokians (is that right? Oh well fuck it.. Hell yeah It Is!!) are underpaid. This is all based on the fact that you are UNDERPAID so hell yea you got an opinion even if it has nothing at all to do with the topic at hand. Plus, you will be damned if the people of Bangkok are doing better than you.
Don’t say: I think the people of Bangkok are underpaid.
Say: Say instead: “The average Bangkokian’s salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level.”
What?!
I don’t know but it sounds awesome. Always make up exact figures. And if you are asked where you got that info from… make that up also. Say: “This information comes from Dr. Samuel L. Dell’s study for the Scotch Report published on May 7, 1982. Didn’t you read it?” Say that in the same tone of voice you would use to say, “You left your shit covered underwear in my bathroom.”
3. Use Words that are Meaningless but Sound Important and Weighty
First memorize this:
Let me put it this way
In terms of
Vis-a-vis
Per se
As it were
Qua
Ipso facto
Ergo
So to speak
Also, memorize some Latin abbreviations like “i.e.” and “e.g” which are all short for “Naa Naa Naa Naa Na I can speak Latin and you can’t.”
Add these words in any part of your sentence. For instance, say: Let me put it to you this way. In terms of the ratio vis-a-vis cheese dip qua tostados, there would need to be an even amount so to speak but there is an always lack of cheese per se, as it were. Ergo, ipso facto, case closed. E.G.
No one could give a possible retort to that.
4. Use an abundance of irrelevant comebacks.
Crap like:
- You’re begging the question
- Don’t Compare apples to oranges
- What are your parameters?
That last one is extremely important because I don’t think anyone knows what parameters are other than engineers.
And also don’t forget the classic: You’re so linear.
Here is how to use these babies….
You say: As JFK said in 1969…
Coworker: JFK died1963.
You say: You’re begging the question
You say: Mexicans like most Europeans…
Coworker: Mexicans aren’t Europeans.
You say: You’re just being defensive.
You say: Since the invention of electricity….
Coworker: Electricity is not an invention.
You say: Well DUH!
5. And to really drive your point across… Compare people to Hitler
This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say, “That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say,” or “You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler.
My favorite is: He has a Hitler-esque thing going for him.
Follow these instructions closely.
Only then can you get a paid leave of absence without even asking for time off!
Like this:
Thursday Movie Review-Getting Old School
April 19, 2012
Just so happens that last night on TV was a movie that I really love. I must have first saw it as a kid and it was like a fairytale movie for me and so I attempted to share the joy of this movie with my kids.
Made in the late 80′s, Andrew McCarthy plays Jonathan Switcher, a young artist, who doesn’t seem to keep a job. But when he builds a mannequin, he makes it so perfect, he falls in love with it. It is the first thing he has made that makes him feel like a real artist.
The mannequin ends up in the window of a big department store. When he saves the life of an old lady who happens to be the owner of that store, he is rewarded by getting a job at the store as stock boy. Later the mannequin comes to life as Emmy, who was an ancient Egyptian living in the year 2514BC. The two redesign the window display to make it most eye catching in town. The thing is only Jonathan can see her alive so their relationship causes much scandal and rumor.
James Spader plays a villain in this movie trying to get the owner of the store to sell. So obviously, he considers Jonathon a threat.
He delivers a great performance. You honestly hate him and root him to lose. However Spader has all the great lines. In his hilarious pursuit to find out what is going on at the store he says, “You people who work at night scare me.”
Emmy is played by Kim Cattrell. So yes even the mannequin is hot. And sexy…. Oh Kim you are so bad ass even as a mannequin.
So during the movie, the rival department store’s attempts to drive the good guys out of business, and together the two store-crossed lovers must combat the forces of evil to save the day.
Despite being scared of mannequin and jealous of their stiff perfect bodies, Mannequin was pretty awesome to me. It was a fairy tale for a guy. Its not Oscar worthy of course but it’s cute and sometimes that’s all you need. A cute fun story. It was funny with the weird supporting cast.
For instance like the gay and crazy Hollywood who helps Jonathan throughout the movie.
The thing to remember was this movie was made in the 80′s. It should be considered a classic because it has all the elements to make for a memorable experience but also that personification of the 80′s era.
This is Andrew McCarthy in one of the roles that solidified him as a 80′s icon. This is a movie gem for those who like their love stories in a 80′s wrapper.
What is more awesome is that such a critic unfriendly movie with a mixture of silliness and an odd love story can still show heart and soul: a recipe for movie magic!
Like this:
HOW TO TICK PEOPLE OFF
April 18, 2012
This list was not created by… sadly… but I discovered it… so that means something right.
HOW TO TICK PEOPLE OFF
- Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
- In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sexual favors.”
- Specify that your drive-through order is “TO-GO.”
- If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
- Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
- Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep them tuned up.”
- Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what you think.”
- Practice making fax and modem noises.
- Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc” them to your boss.
- Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
- Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophesy.”
- Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
- Disassemble your pen and “accidentally” flip the ink cartridge across the room.
- Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
- Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way.”
- Staple pages in the middle of the page.
- Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
- Honk and wave to strangers.
- Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
- TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
- type only in lowercase.
- dont use any punctuation either
- Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
- Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
“DO YOU HEAR THAT?”
“What?”
“Never mind, it’s gone now.” - As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
- Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce “No, wait, I messed it up,” and repeat.
- Ask people what gender they are.
- While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
- Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
- Sing along at the opera.
- Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.
- Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about “psychological profiles.”
I really wanna do some of these. Like really….
Like this:
The Best Present In The World (my kids are so jealous!!)
April 17, 2012
The year was 1995. I was about to turn to 10 years old. I was flying high…. on life people… stay with me!!!
I had just learned that my local radio station would be giving out the newly released VHS copy of the Lion King.
You guys at the time… I was obsessed with the Lion King. God damnit Mufasa dies!!! Its heart breaking!!! Despite the most gut-wrenching scene, I loved it.
Til this day I still know the whole movie by heart. Songs and all.
In fact, you should see the look in my kids’ eyes when they hear me sing the songs. I am like a God to them!!
Anyways…. so I was determined to win a VHS copy from the radio station of The Lion King. So for that whole day I spent the entire calling and redialing and calling and redialing. I never got through. Never… Got… Through….
It was devastating!
By the end of the day I was dehydrated and certainly famished. My mother snuck me pieces of bread but I was too afraid to fill my mouth in case the radio DJ answered and I will need to give the phrase that pays…. in VHS copies of The Lion King.
I was so sure I would win…. I was a kid calling. Didn’t they know that?? Who were these grown ups calling? They couldn’t love the Lion King like I did.
Sure my mom took me to K-Mart the next day and bought the Lion King movie but that is besides the point. The point is the scarring.
Ever since that day…. I never tried to win anything ever again.
I threw away every Publishers Clearing House, ignored raffles, and especially radio station contests.
My little 9-year-old heart never recovered.
Until yesterday!!!
I get on the computer and read all my blogger friends’ blog and I saw this:
Who Wants a Chocolate Zombie Bunny by Thoughts Appear
And I just fell in love with the bunny. I love bunnies… especially when they are zombies!!!
All Thoughtsy asked for a vote and leave a comment and she would award the lucky winner. Guess what I did… well I voted.
Then I left a comment…. but then I thought… wait I need to express my utmost desire to have this zombie chocolate bunny. I was deserving…. deserving damnit!
So I left this comment:
OK first I am going to give you a guilt trip.
I never win anything!!! Once I stayed on the phone all day calling a radio station hoping to the 11th caller every hour to win a copy of the DVD Lion King.
A zombie chocolate bunny would be the best prize ever!!
I would love it…. and its a zombie!!! Zombies are the best present you give to someone you hardly know. And you hardly know me!!!
Its like I like you (chocolate talking) but if you cross me I will bite that head off (zombie talking).
P.S. Voted!!!!
Oh yea and I also threatened her.
Either way it worked…. and I won a ZOMBIE CHOCOLATE BUNNY!!
So behold my winnings!!
I can’t bring myself to eat it…. its tooo beautiful…. it needs to be worshiped like the deity its suppose to be.
So thanks so much Thoughtsy …. dreams really do come true… THANK YOU!!!!
Oh yea… that’s real blood. Chocolate blood!
Like this:
This weekend… I read. And I don’t mean looked at comic books. I read some interesting stuff and I thought … use this in a blog enlighten the masses that were too busy living during the weekend.
Wait… I did go balls to the wall at K-Mart over kids clothing. Oh yea…. gangsta!!
I am sure you all saw the important news like the secret service getting in trouble for getting some ass in Brazil or somewhere or the fact that it was 100 year-anniversary for the Titanic.
Well, I am here to show you the news that you didn’t see. The kind of news you gotta dig through the important stuff to find.
You know what I am talking about??
The filth.
- Help Find the Man who Impregnated Woman in Megadeth/Motorhead Concert Bathroom
If you ain’t getting laid and impregnated at a concert, then I can only assume your concert experience must suck!! This woman had the ultimate experience which she shared… with the world…. on Craigslist.
A woman who was impregnated in a bathroom at a Megadeth/Motorhead concert took to Craigslist’s Missed Connection section to find the father.
The post which was so rightfully titled: Did we hook up at at the Megadeth/Motorhead concert? -w4m-28 (Aragon Ballroom)- the anonymous woman goes on to write:
“Me: Blue hair, silver tube top, fishnets, Knee high black biker boots.
You: Red mohawk, black pentagram gauges, viper piercings.
I was grinding on you in the pit, then we went to the bathroom, and got fucked up. You had a nice cock and I was wasted so I let [you] raw dog it in the stall. You were really good and you had to gag me so I would make too much noise.
Anyway I’m pregnant. It’s yours. contact me if you want to be part of your child’s life.”
Bringing people together.... that's what it's all about
I had to look up raw dogging. Well that explains the child.
Man, this is the most heartbreaking post I’ve seen all day. Email c9kpp-2948959310@pers.craigslist.org if you have any leads.
2. What the Hell is a Hipster??
After doing research,I still don’t know. Something about men and women typically in their 20′s and 30′s that value independent thinking, counter-culture, progressive politics, an appreciation of art and indie-rock, creativity, intelligence, and witty banter.
So like the kids from Dawson’s Creek? Remember that show? Who understood those high school??!?!!? I had to use a dictionary when I watched that show!!
Shut up and have sex!
And this what they look like….
Is it cold where these hipsters live cause they always have scarves? If we aren’t careful, these hipsters will put hair stylists outta business BY NOT USING THEM.
I hope I clarified something.
3. Mel Gibson… again!!!
The story goes that Mel Gibson acquired the writing abilities of Joe Eszterhas (who made such work of arts like Showgirls, Flashdance and Basic Instinct). The plan was create the a movie called The Maccabees,” a project envisioned as “a Jewish ‘Braveheart’” to be produced and possibly directed by Gibson and written by Eszterhas.
Apparently the studio nor Gibson liked the script written.
The idea of the movie was being condemned because it was viewed insensitive of Gibson who had made anti-Semetic remarks and allegations of domestic violence — to make a film about Maccabee, whose revolt against the Seleucid Empire is the catalyst for the holiday of Hanukkah.
But the heat will get hotter thanks to allegations made by Eszterhas who accuses Gibson of using the film “to deflect continuing charges of anti-Semitism” against him, and that he had no intention of making the film. “I’ve come to the conclusion that the reason you won’t make The Maccabees is the ugliest possible one,” Eszterhas reputedly writes. “You hate Jews.”
Ezsterhas then goes on to list a series of exchanges he allegedly had with Gibson in which the Oscar-winning director called Jews “Hebes,” “oven-dodgers,” and “Jewboys,” and calling into question the veracity of the Holocaust. The letter also alleges Gibson threatened to have ex-girlfriend Oksana Gregorieva killed.
Ezsterhas said that Gibson stated that the holocaust was basically like a big lie. And that he recently befriended two former FBI agents who would do Oksana in for Mel.
We all know Mel Gibson is crazy.
But this is just crazy right? This is social suicide if any of this is true.
No wait …. those rants where!
So there you have it. My work is complete. All I ask is that you pay me in food and sweet tarts.
You may return to CNN or Nancy Grace.
Like this:
Thanks to James Cameron (seriously James stop!!) we get to have Titanic be re-released in 3D!!
Uhhhhh… yay??
Wow…. I can think of a billion things off the top of my head that I would rather do then see Titanic.
Again!
1. Cut my toe nails
2. Super glue my self to vagina
3. Organize my stamp collection.
4. Chew gum
But this post isn’t about me…. nooooo. It’s about other dumb people. Yes!! Other dumb people who tweet.
After reading this…. you might need a hug.
There are no words for this.
I mean… how? Who? What?
(Shakes head)
Like this:
Waking Up to Ex-Rated Emails
April 10, 2012
Yesterday I got an email…. a very weird one….
Hello there How are you doing? I enjoy most of your profile.
Are you interested to check my personal pictures?
Message me at xxxxxxxxx@hotmail.com and i’ll reply back with my private photographs.
Ok it sounds like any regular spam. But this chick included a photo. A photo!!! She is leaning over her head board and shoving her as into the camera. And she is wear a wife beater and pink sheer SEE THROUGH UNDERWEAR!!!!
This the craziest email I have ever gotten!!! I usually just get ones from Africans telling me to give them my life savings (all $22) or how a Russian girl would make a excellent bride for me. I already know that. I am just trying to sell that idea to the husband. So far … that a big NO.
I honestly have no idea what profile she is referring too…. I delete my history almost daily (like every 15 minutes) and the Alzheimers is kicking in….
so I am still saying I have no idea.
So yea …. what a way to wake up. Ex-rated chicks all up on my email.
Sooooo what did I do?
I emailed her back of course!!!
I figure if she doesn’t respond back she is spam and that would be sooooo sad.
But if she did…… free pictures!!!
And that is how you trick a trickster.
Like this:
Thursday Movie Review-Change the Name to Almost Scary
April 5, 2012
Lately I have been watching a lot of movies. I am trying to catch up on all the ones I have missed. I been working hard on developing the perfect queue in my Netflix account. Its hard work but someone has to do it. This week I saw the movie Devil.
First I have to say that I have general respect for director, M. Night Shyamalan. He has made some really good movies in my opinion. The Sixth Sense, Signs, Unbreakable, and even The Village were some thrilling movies.
So I was excited about the mysterious movie entitled Devil. Who wouldn’t be?
It’s firstly narrated in the beginning with a story a mother told about the devil. You know old Mexican folklore. The Devil roams around the world looking for bad individuals to torture. The story seems to center around a detective who still grieving for his wife and son, killed in a hit-and-run five years ago.
The scene fades to what seems to be a typical day at the office takes a sudden detour into terror when the elevator becomes stuck between floors. Right before that, a stranger jumps out of the building so the detective is sent to investigate. Meanwhile, the five strangers who are trapped in the elevator and nothing seems to improve their situation.
The communication radio in the elevator is broken but the guards observe the individuals through the security cameras. Tensions run high among those trapped, so the police and the detective assume the case. Without being able to contact the individuals, he tries to work out who they are, but he can only account for four of them.
Then they just start miraculously dying. The lights go out and boom one dies. And every one is a suspect.
All the while the one Hispanic security cop is freaking out because he recognizes the Devil’s work when he sees it.
There were a few parts that were intense or chilling. However it wasn’t enough. The five strangers were good enough actors and it felt that the plot was being hurried along.
Not only that I felt the movie was being spoiled by the actual cast. They basically were telling you what was going to happen in the story!
This movie had so much potential. People stuck in an elevator against the Devil!! Crazy concept. But I felt the opportunity to make this a good film was missed. I was disappointed that the film is very light in the scare factor. In fact one of the trailers before the film elicited a bigger scare factor for a particular gentleman than anything found in DEVIL.
To make a movie (a horror movie)about the Devil, you gotta actually read the Devil’s resume!!
So in a nut shell: It’s tense but it rarely scares because all the truly horrifying things happen off camera. People only get killed when the lights go out, so you don’t actually see the deaths. There’s never a moment that’ll make you jump in your seat. It has to go dark or you’ll know who the murderer is, and DEVIL executes those moments well, it’s just not able to make them scary. Maybe there isn’t a way to make them scary. Maybe it isn’t trying to be scary. Maybe they don’t need to be scary.
But horror movies….. YES they need to be scary! Especially if they are called DEVIL!!!!
Like this:
Wedgies Are Cool Again
April 4, 2012
Things I Noticed:
- Who names their child Bar?! The Irish??!!
- Bar is actually playing by herself. WHAT!?!? She couldn’t hire any friends!!!
- She isn’t any good at tennis….
- She played for 5 minutes without breaking a sweat…. a-ma-zing!!
- She has multiple wedgies and she only picked it once.
- Don’t smell your fingers!!!!
- It is totally cool to pick your underwear outta your ass crack…. I am going to quit hiding in the bathroom for now on.
Freedom!!!!
