The Essentials for Christmas/Zombie Apocalypse

Last night a discussion with my hubby reconfirmed my decision that I married the right guy.

We were talking about how nice the three wood shutters we have installed on some of the windows were and how they were really fancy. I expressed how much I loved them. Gus expressed that we should do all the windows but that it would probably be really expensive.

I frowned because I hate expensive things.

Gus cheered me up by saying, ” Well they would be really useful in securing the windows if there was a zombie apocalypse.”

That is how he normally gets me. He tells me he bought something and then adds in case there is a zombie apocalypse and I sigh a wave of relief.  I willingly admit it works on me every time because you never know. Crazier shit has happened! Okay, well that is not entirely true.
Nothing has happened that is crazier than zombies… at least not in my town.

Anyways, I have come to reason that not everything at our local Wal-Mart is we would need to survive a zombie apocalypse.

Here is a list I have put together with everything I would need:

1)  The Walking Dead Series

Never have I seen a more accurate portrayal of what would happen to the world if there really was a zombie apocalypse.  I will just remember, shoot anyone with the name of Carl.

2)M48 Apocalypse Tactical Tomahawk series

With a wide, up swept axe blade, the ATT has a massive slash for decapitating walkers. The secondary edge on the back of the head is specially sharpened on both edges for a hook attack guaranteed to puncture the spicy brains of any zombie. Lightweight enough to carry all day, toting the ATT won’t tire out before you get back to the safety of your camp.

Me likey!!!

3)  Bacon green beans

When I was doing zombie research, this kept coming up as an essential. I think the internet is trying to tell me something.  Plus this looks really good!

4) Dead On Annihilator Superhammer

• Fourteen inches of forged steel multitool with rubber grip (forged steel!! *Tool man groan*)
• Built-in:
  • Dead-On bottle-opener
  • Multi-purpose wrench
  • Nail puller
  • Demolition axe rips through dry wall, shingles, strips conduit, beheads zombies *
  • Chisel smashes through tile, brick, concrete, skulls *

  Need I say more! How is this  not issued to us once we are born? And… it will definitely fit in my purse!

  5) Plush Zombie Slippers

  

  Nothing shows more that your game face is on when you are sporting these babies!

  So if you are at a stand still on what to get me for Christmas, any of these will suffice. And you should probably think about adding some of this to your own collection.

  You’re Welcome!

The Greatest Trilogy According To Me

Over the weekend, I was able to re-watch some movies that I liked in the past. Oldies but awesome goodies!

If you haven’t seen this trilogy I could slap you. Come visit me in Texas for that slap in the face!!

Besides the fact that there are zombies, this movie is all about girl power. And who doesn’t like girl power?? I know I do!! Milla Jovovich kicks ass!!

This movie made its debut on the gaming system Playstation in 1996. It was a commercial success. If you ever played the game you will know how riveting it was as well as captivating. You were living this horror game, you were in control and it was horrifying and fun!

In 2002, it was released as a feature film.

In a nutshell, Resident Evil is about a virus has escaped in a secret facility called “The Hive,” turning the staff into hungry zombies and releasing the mutated Lab “Animals” that they were studying. The corporation sends in an elite military unit, where they meet Alice (Milla Jovovich), who is suffering from amnesia due to exposure to nerve gas. The military team must shut down the computer and get out, fighting their way past zombies, mutants, and the computer itself, before the virus escapes and infects the rest of the world. Alice must also come to terms with her slowly returning memories.

In Resident Evil: Apocalypse, Alice is awaken in a city torn by zombies and creatures created by the corporation Umbrella. Discovering she was an Umbrella experiment, Alice has been bio-genetically enhanced with new strengths, senses and dexterity–and she will need them.

Finally there is Resident Evil: Extinction. Years after the Raccoon City disaster, Alice is on her own; aware that she has become a liability and could endanger those around her, she is struggling to survive and bring down the Umbrella Corporation. Alice’s powers have escalated… she is almost god like!

I wanna say that this may be the first movie that introduced the concept of zombies. I tried looking it up and found nothing. So for the sake of the blog we will just it was. Yay for Resident Evil. Because of you, I built an underground shelter fully stocked for the zombie apocalypse that is sure to happen. I have decided that my hero is Alice from Resident Evil.

I wish I was a dude so I can mate with her and make little zombie fighting babies.

How awesome is that!!

So go rent this!! These movies are epic. I will have you wanting to mate with Alice too… for humanity!!

Duh people.

P.S. This blog was dedicated to Shane.

No one will understand you like me. You were crazy but that’s why we liked you!!

RIP Shane… may they welcome you in Zombie heaven.

I don’t know how Walking Dead will function without you!

 

Shitting In Your Pants is Not An Option

Remember in the movie Zombieland

how the main character “Columbus” had a set of rules when the Zombie apocalypse hit America?

I do.

Little did this little gem of a movie know that you don’t need a zombie apocalypse to put these rules into action.

For instance, rule number 1 is cardio.

How essential is this?!?! You never know when you are just going to pop yourself into a devastating situation and need the use of your legs to help you.

For example, when I was like 12 years old, I was playing ball in the backyard with some friends. The ball went over to my neighbor’s back yard. So I hopped the fence to retrieve my ball.

Did my neighbor have a dog? Yes.

Was I aware of this? Yes I was.

I figured though that even though that Spawn of Satan barked at me constantly it would get friendly when I jumped back there. I didn’t dilly dally. I jumped in grabbed the ball and ran over to the fence as fast as these little legs could carry me while the entire time the dog was in a corner barking. As I running to the fence to climb, the stupid dog charged me.

Vicious ass cocker spaniel!!!

It chased me around as I run in circles trying to get away from it. Finally it  attacked my thigh and took a small chunk outta me as I was climbing up.

Stupid dog!! To this day, I still have a scar. And I also lost my innocence. Before that I was very trusting of animals. Then, I was forever changed.

I should have gone for basketball that summer like I said I would. The only reason I didn’t is because I wanted to sleep in everyday and do nothing.

Laziness is a cool mistress my friends. Always remember your cardio.

Another important rule that I use is rule number 31: Check the Backseat.

Always check the backseat!!

You never know when there is going to be a mass murder, a serial killer, or a just a freak who saw that I was a fine piece of alone ass walking through Walmart and thought how romantic would it be to surprise her in the back of her Tahoe with a knife and some rope!!

I always check. Murder movies have taught me people will try to get you from your backseat. What scares me is that I have two back seats. My Tahoe seats eight people so it has an extended back seat. And even if I look back there , I still uncomfortable. I can’t tell you how many times I look in my rear view mirror just to make sure no head pops up.

This morning I freaked out. There was  some rustling sound in my back seat. I kept looking in the rearview mirror, thinking ‘Show yourself fucker!’ and finally I realized that someone had left an empty bag of cheetos and it was rustling around.

Phew!!

I can’t you tell you enough… always look in the back seat.

And that leads me to another rule that is very important. Rule number 2: Double Tap.

What does this mean?

Have you ever seen a movie where someone is in danger and they are able to hit their killer with something heavy? And then they walk away and then the killer wakes up and kills them. Then those fools deserved to die!!

They should have double tapped!!

Strike again! Again and again if you have to but always to it more than once!!

Clobber that mofo!! Once, twice …. three times a lady!!!

Because wouldn’t it a bitch if you hit a zombie/killer/ Buffalo Bill as hard as you can then you begin to run away and they grab your leg and pull you down and start strangling the living day lights outta you?!?!?

Haven’t we learned anything from movies?? They are there for a reason. Movies predict a time when Jasons, Micheal Myers, and zombies will roam. Preparation is key.

Double Tap people!!

Always double tap!!

I saw a saying tagged on a truck on my way to work. The tagger wrote, “the strong will survive”. He knows whats up!

Inform yourself!! Watch movies!! Learn new methods to defeat the enemies!!

Shitting in your pants is not an option!!!

That or buy a taser gun!!!

I yearn for… for …. for zombies….

During these wonderful holidays  family visited often and I was able to trick some of my family members.

One family member reported that they ran across an article online of a case involving rabies somewhere in the south. It was the first rabies account on a  human in many years. I have no idea why the hell she told us girls that. Maybe to fill the awkward silences of conversations, I don’t know. I mean you only can only complain about men for so long

So I turned around all stone faced and told my sister-in-law and her sister that this was indeed serious.

I said, “Every one knows that if the rabies virus isn’t taken care of, humans can become zombies. Flesh eating monsters are no joke!”

I expected to get a laugh outta that… cause I am such a jokester.

Alas, their mouths hung open and they stared at me. After awhile, they started to reason that it was true!!!

One said,” Well yea that’s true. Dogs wanna attack and eat human flesh. (HUH??) They foam at the mouth, their eyes turn red (What??? Zombies not vampires!!), and they are extremely angry!”

Angry?

I wouldn’t call a zombie angry. I would a call a zombie more carnivorous, leaning toward ‘I am so hungry, I can eat a horse’ hungry!

Actually more like a pregnant woman as soon as she wakes up. If she doesn’t eat in the next five minutes, the mother fucking house is gonna burn down!!

You know what I am talking about. There were times I remember I was so hungry and when the anger was rising up, I swear I spit fire!

Zombies are not pist off. They don’t have daddy issues;  their jobs don’t suck because there is no corporate ladder to climb as a zombie. They are dead!!! Oh excuse me…. they are the undead. Dead but not quite. Like 50/50.

Animals that have rabies aren’t dead!! They aren’t the undead coming back to life. Its an infection in the brain!! And the end result is that rabies kill!

 Fatality!!!

I watch these girls continue the conversation without me talking about how becoming a zombie is so possible now.

 What the fuck!! I mean… normally I would  jump on any bandwagon that included zombies especially if it meant it was now more than ever of great importance to use my entire credit card to purchase the badass 1911 pistol.

 Fuck the credit card because we are all gonna die anyway.

 However, even I know (sadly) that zombies don’t exist. And rabies are not the starting point.

Or is it….

No no it’s just not possible. It has to be man-made! Fuck!! We can’t even cure zits how the hell we gonna make a zombie virus!!!

I mentioned this whole conversation later to the hubs. He couldn’t believe that I actually said someone needed to create this zombie virus. He asked if I was some kind of monster or something.  Zombie? No! Monster? Maybe.

Sigh….

A zombie apocalypse is just what we need. It would certain liven 2012 up. How many of us would be forced on a exercise plan in order to flee from zombie. America would no longer be the fat country of the world!

 Just imagine eating flesh, brain eating, moaning, dancing the Thriller dance….

I need something til Walking Dead comes back on.

 

Thursday Show Review- I Finally Jumped on the Zombie Bandwagon

Wait wait, I know how this might seem. Zombie bandwagon?? You mean to tell us Marina, you don’t like zombies??

On the contrary my dear Watsons, I love zombies. Zombies are sooooo bad ass. Slow but super bad ass. And I have seen every movie about zombies.

28 Days Later,Zombieland, Dawn of the Dead, Shaun of the Dead, All Resident Evils, the Crazies, etc etc etc.  Zombies in movies are awesome! So when a show came out that would feature zombies weekly, I flaked. Actually I missed the damn boat.

I DIDN’T KNOW!! I TELL YOU!!

Before I realized this show existed, I had already missed the entire season. I of course am talking about one of the greatest show on earth…. The Walking Dead.

So I welcome myself to the bandwagon. Where are the party favors yo???

Anyways so I sat down and watched the first two episodes of Walking Dead  last night via Netflix. Instantly, after the first five minutes I was hooked!!! Where have you been all my life?!!??!!

People seriously…. this is the greatest show ever and you need to head over to AMC and watch it!!

Of course, it begins with a sheriff and his deputy talking and then rushing to high-speed chase. Once there, the sheriff gets badly wounded and taken to a hospital.  Obviously, he has been unconscious for some time because while he sleeps an epidemic occurs. When he wakes up, he is grossly thin and dehydrated and realizes that he is the only one in the hospital. It has been abandoned.

So he starts exploring and finds blood, bullet holes in the walls, and finally hundreds of dead bodies. And it is just eerily quiet and deserted. He walks all the way into town in his hospital nightgown. He has his first encounter with a …… half eaten zombie.

If you are anything like me, you would have yelled What the Fuuuuuuhhhhhhh?

Yea…

So anyways the Sheriff makes it to his home to find neither his wife or child there. He also runs into a father and son who take him into their “home” and educate him in the new ways of the city. Zombies and such…. stay with people. Its much more exciting if you just watch it!!

He hears of a refuge from the father and believes that is where his wife and son are. So he goes to the police station and loads up ammo and heads off to find that refuge area.

He tries to radio out and see if anyone can hear him. Some where there is a small group of people who hear him over the CB radio. In the group resides his  deputy and you find out later his wife and son.

OMG!!

So the sheriff  finds a home where  the people have shot themselves … the scene is gripping.

So he takes the horse and makes it into the city. He seriously looks all cool wearing his sheriff get up and riding a horse.  Pretty hot if you ask me.

Back to the little group of survivors that tried to contact the sheriff over the CB.

His deputy is doing his wife!

Whoa!!!

Or as Al Pacino would say it in the Scent of a Woman, ” Whoooaaaaaaa!”

Hopefully that is right. I wasn’t paying too much attention to Al if you know what I mean!! Hee hee hee.

Once the deputy gets into the city, it’s very quiet. Completely deserted until he runs into thousands of zombies!!!

He falls off his horse and the zombies begin eating his horse. Poor horse. I almost cried.

Seriously… I had already named it. I called it Poky…

What?!? I would not have named it if I knew it was gonna die in the next scene!!!!

So there are hoards and hoards of zombies and he has to escape into a tank.

That was episode one. It was so intense!! I loved it.

I am gonna watch episode three tonight.

I am a little torn on who is hotter.

You have the sheriff who is all good guy and hero hot.

Then there is the deputy who is rough and strong…. and its obvious he has a good body.

 

This show also made me realize that I am not prepared.

Sure we have guns… but we need to stash shit loads of ammo in the house. And maybe just “in case” I should make a trip to Home Depot and by some wood to board up the windows and sliding doors.  Seriously! Having wood around can never be a bad thing!!!

It’s just a reminder to prepare for the day…. the day where we get really sick and start becoming zombies.

I plan to survive. There needs to be at least one hot girl in Earth’s next scene!! I am going to start lifting weights!!