Dear Women of the Nation

Dear Women of the Nation,

 

I would like this time to express my condolences to our gender. A part of us died this week and I feel I need to bring attention to it.

For many years, our great great great grandmothers like Susan B Anthony fought for our rights and our equality. Somehow that great respect has been tarnished.

What am I talking about? Well, let me tell you a story.

The setting: Erwin, Tennessee.  The year: 2001.

A mother by the name of Mysti Potter was teaching her 3-year-old daughter to drive.

Yes! Her 3-year-old daughter.

Hmmm, why would you need to teach your 3-year-old to drive?? Ohhhh, maybe so she could run down to the store and get her mother a pack of cigarettes!! Totally makes sense.

Flash back to 2012:  Mysti’s daughter, at age 14, set off  driving a stolen car lead police in a two-state high-speed chase.

People I can’t even make this shit up! I can’t. I tried.

It gets better!!

Mysti’s daughter (unnamed BECAUSE SHE’S 14!) stole a friend’s mom’s Jeep and had actually picked her mother up so Mysti could get a pack of cigarettes. Mysti didn’t know the Jeep was stolen and WAS surprised her daughter elected for a high-speed chase — since she’s ALWAYS told her to pull over if the police flag her down.

Well now, how did the daughter not heed her mother’s advice?? Maybe since she has been driving since she was 3, she freaked out being pursued by a cop.

I really like how the mother doesn’t seem surprised at all. She was just chilling on the news smoking a cigarette.  Like if it was always a matter of time he daughter was going to be on a high-speed chase through two states!!

Really, what can you say? I am at a loss for words.

And you would think it would end there. That a woman with a IQ of 50 would be a once in a million thing.

I am sorry to disappoint you all… but there are more.

A Providence, Rhode Island woman was arrested Tuesday night by Rhode Island State Police troopers after she allegedly rear-ended them while drunk.

Ok, that is pretty stupid. No… that’s fucking retarded.  The only other thing she could have done that would be labeled as mentally insane would be to walk into a police station shouting that she was hammered!!

Of course, the police pull her over. And what do they find?

The woman had her two young children in the car at the time she did it, but luckily they were not injured.   A breath test showed her blood alcohol level was three times the legal limit.

So… to recap… a woman drunk as hell reams a cop car with two children in her car. And she wasn’t even a little drunk. She was like Hangover Part 3: Reaming into to Cop Cars drunk!

The 32-year-old mother’s  3-month-old was in a booster seat (Booster????!!!!!) but the seat wasn’t connected to the car and wasn’t properly restrained.  The 6-year-old was not restrained in any way.

SMH!!!

I am so glad she hardly ever (HARDLY EVER… so not never) drives drunk with her kids.

What the hell??

Everything is just going to hell!! I actually fear for the future. Hopefully I don’t make it pass 30 years old.  It’s just too scary out there.

We all need to form a group and not only get these kids outta these environments, but we also need a way to confiscate these women’s ovaries! Stop mass producing women!! Just stop it! I beg you!!

Can we do it? Can we confiscate women’s ovaries? Think how many kids we could save!!

So  while I try to figure out how to commence Save the Ovaries from Stupid Women 2012, watch this:

Will is the only other person that feels as I do!!

 

 

So Optimistic I Wanna Kill Someone

Oh God… it’s Monday.

Even though I don’t want to be “here” I am still giving it my all. I am still a good mood. I am not taking out my internal anger on how the weekend flew by so fast on anyone here.

So here  I am happy and working at the office.

Then shit just got real!

Shit hit the fan.

And now I am royally pist that I wanna take my stapler and beat some people over the head with it.

I notice that one of the vendors is bringing in some donuts.

Preferably, I don’t care for sweets. I just don’t. If you made me choose between a steak and cake I will always pick the steak. Every time. We, in the office, see the vendor walking in and all I say is, “Man I wish he had brought some breakfast tacos. My stomach can’t handle sugar this morning.”

As soon as the vendor walks in I greet him and my co-worker throws me under the bus saying, “Tell him what you said.”

I was like what the fuck are you doing…

He goes and ahead and says that I said the old vendor used to bring in breakfast tacos.

Mother fucker!!

Are you kidding me? Are we in high school???

Then the ass hole co-worker tells me that now the vendor will bring breakfast tacos like if it was some sort of little plan he and I were in on!!

I did not say that. I didn’t even imply anything rude or mean. I didn’t even say it in a bitchy tone. If you know me, you will know that there isn’t any bitchiness in me.

Then the vendor goes and tells my boss. Oh they laugh it off like its a big joke.

I should never have opened my stupid mouth. I have no idea what is holding me back from spearing my co-worker in the eye with my purple BIC round stic Grip pen.

Then my boss asks me where a certain file it. I ask him what year it was done in. It was last year so I point him in the direction of  the 2011 files. Well he can’t find it so I get up and look for it. Then he gets exasperated and takes it upon himself to label all MY shit.

I spend the whole morning trying to find the damn folder come to find out that it wasn’t done last year but in 2010. It was his project you think he would know that. He has been here long enough, you would think he would know the system that THEY created and I just follow.

Then he feels like I am too messy and must label everything on my desk so he can find stuff. Nothing on my desk belongs to him!! I have nothing for him. The project folder was in the correct place according to year.

This is all just part of their plan to own me business-ly speaking… if that makes sense.

And I refuse. I refuse to be their little woman, their pet, their anything. I just work here and that’s all I wanna do. They seem to forget that I am the only women here and that my emotions can and will run wild. And if I ever was to murder them I would do it while I was on period. Women have got off for murder because they have pleaded temporary insanity.

We all can agree that we don’t need the only female in the office to go postal. God forbid, THOSE guys would have to actually do some work!!

So here I am clenching my fists, grinding my teeth trying to stay away from anything sharp.

Just breathe, smile…. its not everyone’s fault that you are surrounded by dumb asses.

Breathe….. smile….. breathe…..

I Hang My Head In Shame

So yesterday I took a vacation day from work.

My husband and I went to my daughters’ award  assembly. She got the terrific kid award which I think is the equivalent to an employee of the month.

I asked her if she got any bonuses, extra benefits, a raise and she told me she received two pencils, a sticker, and a hug.  Wow, she is going to make a perfect candidate working for Wal-Mart!!!

I kid!! Hopefully its Target she works for. Who doesn’t like Target?!?!

After that, it was breakfast, running errands, taking all my kids to the dentist which is very exhausting.

I hate going to the dentist probably more than my kids do.

If you ever wanna feel like a shitty parent, feel like you couldn’t possibly hit bottom, by all means go the dentist.

Two of my kids had cavities so they got fillings.  Man the entire time, this one guy was talking shit to me. THE ENTIRE TIME!!

They brush every day people!! I swear it!! They don’t even eat candy. Ask them!! They always ask if they can have some, and I always say no.

I don’t have a sweet tooth so whether or not they do, they don’t get shit!

My kids are guilty of drinking a lot of juices. That’s my fault. I honestly didn’t realize that it was so bad.

Yes! Slap me!

But god damn, this one dentist was giving it to me hard! Hard!

I told him I understand. I will limit the juices, they won’t have any sweets til October.

I could not get out there quicker.

The next time I go there, if someone makes a comment again, I think I am gonna pick my kid and walk out and take my business somewhere else.

Dude what is up with that?!?!

I remember going to the ER and the nurse drilling me how my daughter got hurt.  Simple. She was climbing a tree and fell. A tree that she has climbed over a hundred times.

Am I not suppose to let them play or be kids?

She was probing my daughter because she couldn’t exactly ask if mommy hurts her. She did let her know that this is a safe place and she could say anything here and nothing bad was going to happen to her.

What!??!

Nothing was even broken. I took her to make sure she was fine  and didn’t have a concussion. I remember my daughter even getting annoyed, stopping with the nurse in the room asking me why she keeps asking her over and over. She fell off a tree enough said.

I understand that there are certain things they have to ask but do they have probe and basically make you feel like you scum of the earth because your kid had stains on a back tooth or because she was playing in a tree.

Ughhhhhhhhh, I am frustrated now because I am sure 75% of the time, a parent is a good parent. Nurturing, loving, careful. However, don’t you have to let your kids be kids?

And because I am sensitive as fuck, this shit is going to be bothering me for a least a week.

After that, we took the kids to a nice dinner of their choice for Savannah’s award.

All in all, it was a great day.

And that is why there is no Thursday movie review today.

I also got two pair of shoes.

Score!!!

All The Ladies In The Back Say Hey!!

Quick thought: I was thinking this on the way to work. The only way I would not make it to work if I was on my way to work is if I got arrested or got in a car accident.  If any one of those happened, I would definitely try to call in. Maybe they would send me flowers in prison?

Over the weekend, I was hanging with my sister-in-law and she was mentioning the relationship her sister and her sister’s boyfriend have. Her sister has been out there in the dating scene and for the most part was getting tired of it. She finally met someone, a co-worker of my sister-in-law.

They have been together for some time, several months now. However, the guy is …. stupid.

Not like mentally…. more like he lacks the skills that would eventually lead him to an ass beating if he said the wrong thing.

He “jokes” around with the sister and often times goes a little overboard with the so-called “jokes”. The question is how far can he go claiming that he was only joking, a little friendly jabbing?

He “jokingly” makes remarks that would seem like he is insulting her. He always says things that actually belittle her and cut her down. For instance, she went to play golf with him and some people. On their way home, he said that he was surprise how well she did because she just is not athletic at all. Not like his ex girl-friend who  was so athletic!

Well, they just recently found out she is pregnant. He was excited. They both were. However, he is like always “joking” and said to her that she is so boring now because she is always so tired. She is getting fat. (Gasp!!) He might need to trade her in.

He says he is joking.

Repeatedly??

I don’t think so.

I think in cases like this where the guy is a complete dumb ass…. these type of men should be forced to wear a box with a glass case holding a bat. That way when they are out of line, all the girl has to do is break the glass and beat the ever-living crap outta him!

In fact, all men should wear these. If your glass is never broken, guess what? You win!! You are a keeper!!

This is not a man bashing blog.

I am married to a great guy, I can’t complain.

I have a son that is my world. I am currently teaching him not to drive me crazy!

And actually, guys are cool. I normally get a long way better with guys anyway.

No, this blog today is for the douches!

Douchebags make up  60% of men in the world.  My statistics. I have an elite bunch of researchers for your information.  I feel sorry for you because the average woman will run into these the majority of the time.

I hope once these ladies realize that they have, they break the figurative glass case and beat the fuck outta that relationship.

And because of this big percentage of losers, my theory is even more proven that God most definitely is a guy. And based on my findings, he is a douche.

Number one clue?

Are you on your period right now?

That just sums it all up doesn’t it!! Couldn’t God with his all heavenly and masterful design make some “other” way start the process of being able to have babies?? Why do we have to bleed like a stuck pig?? All guys have to go through is voice change.

That’s it!!

How unfair!!

And what about those cramps!?!? Do you know if men suffered from cramps which I call the introduction to contractions, cramps would be the number one health problem in the world?

And lets not even talk about the fatigue, the bloating, the headaches and emotional toll that we can expect every month?!?

Equality sure doesn’t exist in heaven! I bet the girl angels don’t even get paid as nearly as the guy angels too!

Clue Number 2?

Mental Anxiety.

I remember reading somewhere that forms of mental illness derived from women. Strange!!

Men have been pegging woman that they are crazy!

In fact, that is my no-no word. You can call me anything, but don’t call me crazy.

You want crazy? I will show you crazy!

Being called crazy all the time will sure turn you crazy. It will convince you that you are over reacting, that you are over analyzing stuff. You are just plain crazy!

It becomes a battle within your self!

Oooooo, fuck those kind of men!

And last but not least, Clue number 3.

Menopause.

Frankly, I ain’t there yet but from what I see with my mother. It’s basically like you are pregnant again. Hot flashes, mood swings, skin drying out, depression,  anxiety, irritability, memory problems and lack of concentration, and all other kinds of stuff.

It’s like a big fuckin kick in the pants reminding you that the youthfulness is gone!

And what do these all have common??

MEN!!

You think with all we have to go through there, these 60% of douches would get the hint that women should be treated with respect, love, and devotion.

I know not all women are peaches too but for the most part… if there is a woman by your side and she has been there through thick and thin… you should be placing her on a pedal stool!!

Worship her!!

Now to the above real life experience where the guy called my sister-in-law’s sister fat… well…. I think I am going to go buy a bat today.

Winter; How I loathe you?!?

Yes!

You know what I was doing at 6am in the mornin?

Scraping damn ice off my Tahoe. I did it with a cigarette box I found on the floor. I mean who keeps cardboard around or anything for scrapping windows?

Who?!?!?

I was going to turn on my froster  but my door wouldn’t open.

Stupid ice!
I pulled and pulled slipping and sliding and finally that door became unstuck.

I hate you Winter!!!

I know I would die if I moved up north. How do you people up there do it!??! I would need to permanently attach a heater to my ass!

I hate you winter!!

It doesn’t matter what I wear…. I am still freezing.  And even though I live in a dry hot city the majority of the year, once December hits I start to freak out. Frost bite is possible.

And though I know in all my final destinational thoughts, I am not going to freeze to death (my death is going to be in a car accident, I just know it) I sure as hell don’t wanna lose any of my piggies to Frost Bite.

My neighbor!

I can’t feel my toes…. seriously. The heat is at 72 degrees. We need to up it now!!!

It’s effin cold!

Just an update!

Lyrical Crap Is Everywhere!!!

Lately my six-year-old and my four-year old are in love with a certain song. It doesn’t annoy me so much as you would think. In fact when I hear it, my heart goes out to the little girl who sang it because frankly, it sucks ass!

Yes, I am talking about Friday by Rebecca Black.

No! We NOT excited!

 

Seriously, the writer of that song HATED  Rebecca Black.  It’s probably because he heard her sing!!

Ugh.

Thats enough hating on the little girl who has no vocal talent whatsoever. Let us make fun of some other songs and the singers who need me to mentally fist them!

I seriously don’t get what the big deal is with Bruno Mars. Yes, I will admit it. The guy can sing but whoever writes his song is retarded!! It sounds like he was just lying around just like Rebecca Black’s writer and wrote about everything he was doing!

Have you actually listened to the Lazy Song??

He sings:

Uh, I’m gonna kick my feet up and stare at the fan
Turn the TV on
Throw my hand in my pants
Nobody’s gon’ tell me I can’t, nah

Wow my son sticks his hands in his pants too!! He can totally write a song!!!

Tomorrow I wake up, do some P90X
With a really nice girl have some really nice sex
And she’s gonna scream out, “this is great” (Oh my god this is great)
I might mess around and get my college degree
I bet my old man will be so proud of me
I’m sorry pops you just have to wait

Are you fucking serious?? How is this even good!?!? Seriously, how is this NOT like the song Friday?!!? In fact, we all know once Rebecca Black finally picks a seat in the car, its in the back. She isn’t sprewing that she is gonna get her freak on!

And note to Bruno, a really nice girl is not gonna have sex with you. She is gonna make you get up off that fat ass and DO some P90X.

No I ain’t gonna comb my hair
Cause I ain’t going anywhere
No no no-no no no-no no nooo
I’ll just strut in my birthday suit
And let everything hang loose

Whoa that is totally unhygienic. Remind me to wash my hands if I ever handle your cds!!

He should have just said he wanked it for a good three minutes!! I would have given him style points!! If he is honesty not gonna do anything all day, you think he is NOT gonna wank it. At least two times!!

Lets make this believable Bruno!!

What the hell I thought you said you were lazy & why does it look like you escaped the 50's?

The whole song was pointless. I could totally write a song like this!! Totally!

Here is mine (and I am just doing this on the whim here):

“Woke up early,

got ready for work,

I hate mornings, my boss is a big jerk.

My hubby took all the damn hot water,

didn’t save me a drop,

now I shivering like a chihuahua

huddling in spaces that are hot.

Almost got pulled over by a cop,

cause I was going 50 on a 35.

If he was going to pull me over, I was ready to remove my top.”

See how freaking easy that was…. pulled it straight outta my ass.

Obviously, its shit but I am not making it into a music video. The point is some of this music is shit! Just shit! And its famous, making money!

How is this possible?!?!?

Seriously someone kick Bruno Mars’s ass. Also, please kick James Blunts’s ass as well. His songs are stupid too.

He enjoys showing us his schizophrenia in his songs.

Take note of his lyrics in “You’re Beautiful”:

My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I’m sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won’t lose no sleep on that,
‘Cause I’ve got a plan.

Simple.

He is crazy and is stalking someone. OK. That’s scary but normal especially in the New York Region.

You’re beautiful. You’re beautiful.
You’re beautiful, it’s true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don’t know what to do,
‘Cause I’ll never be with you.

What?!??

I thought you just said you had a plan.

Someone fucking alert the police! This guy is gonna mutilate his “Angel”.

Oh yea, he totally looks like he likes the taste of human flesh.

So in conclusion, listen to your music. These people are trying to tell you something.

They are trying to tell you how much they suck!!

Truth Is … I Don’t Know What the Truth Is

Besides the wonderful day of Thanksgiving, my sister’s wedding was also this past week. How many times have I mentioned that here? None. I know I haven’t mentioned it on here at all. I really don’t know why. Maybe it was to NOT deal with it and NOT think about it. Because the very thought of it makes me wanna cry.

My sister and I were extremely close when we were little. She was my best friend and we did everything together. I was the oldest and I willingly and almost begged her to come with me everywhere. She knows all my dark secrets, things we don’t speak of , things we just smile about, and things we are embarrassed we did. She was the baby in the house and she was rightly treated as one.  Her and I were and still are so different.

So as the process  to planning her wedding went,  the more and more uncomfortable I got about it. I really started to pretend it was not happening. Truth is, we weren’t as close after I got married. I think in ways I think she felt I betrayed her. See, I married someone who wasn’t the same religion as my parents and my sister. So thus I created this wedge. However, I tried to make it work. I was constantly calling her, constantly asking her to do things with me, but she was pulling away.

After a while she grew up, she started her rebellious stage, had boyfriends, partied, and then finally got in engage. And on the day before her wedding, I was swept away with this wave emotion. She doesn’t need me anymore nor does she want too. I have this strong feeling that the cords have been cut. Truth is, I really haven’t felt I was important to her and she was to me. And now she and her husband plan to move away. I feel like I am losing her.

Friday I did.

I cried when she danced with my dad. It was because she is gone. She is no longer ours, she is his. And instead of growing up with me, she is going to go a different path. A different path that I can’t follow.

I was so depressed and emotionally all weekend. Gus kept asking me why I was sad, I couldn’t explain it. Am I happy for her? In a way. When I left the wedding reception, I went to hug my new brother-in-law, and I told him that I loved my sister and I welcome him to the family.  What I really wanted to tell him was if he hurts my sister in any way I will cut his balls off. He didn’t deserve my sister and I wished he would just give her back.

There are things at the wedding and even during the week that I just wanted to express to say to my sister. Things that she should have known already. Things that she could read in my voice but just ignored.Things that if I had said would not have mattered.

Even with her pushing me away for whatever reason, I don’t hate her. I want too. It would be easier. I just can’t. I want to mad at her for telling me she had no time for me, or for saying mean things behind my back about my money situation, the way I raise my kids, or even just me in general. But I can’t.

Why do I need her? She doesn’t need me. She never has.

The truth is, I can’t explain these feelings. I can’t the lump in my throat. I can’t explain the anger. I can’t explain that for the first time ever she actually left me behind.

Why can’t we just be sisters?

 

 

What’s the Deal- The Spirit of Looking Better than Everyone Else

So, I am here at work and I totally forgot that I was committed to this committee thing of Community Service and getting our company involved.

How can I say this?

Pompous pricks!

Well not all of them, just the majority of them.

Ok so through this group we have organized a can food drive that went off successful. We now in the promise of having a Christmas tree filled with names of children and their mothers from a local shelter. And also tomorrow, we plan to have our Thanksgiving feast and we are hosting soldiers lunch tomorrow.

So yes this little group of five has pulled some shit out of their ass, yet the shit that comes outta their mouths during these meetings makes me wanna yell and throw over the table.

I suggested for next yea we should do a walk for the cure thing, as a company. Then the Vice President was all like well its sad because I heard that some of the profit goes to places that are pro abortion.

And everyone was like yea… we can’t do that.

OMG you fucking …… Just because you all are god damn republican Christian slaves

First off, are you serious??  Is that based on here say??  So you are telling me that charity solely known for raising money for cancer patients also funds abortion clinics or planned parent hoods?

For the record, I am pro-choice. Thats just my thinking. Doesn’t mean I would have an abortion my self but I feel its in a woman’s right to choose. However, I am throwing my satanic views on them. No!!!

Then my VP suggested that we give awards on people who gave the most to the community or others in the company.  This is attempt to get more people eager to win an award so they will do their utmost to be more giving.

Does anyone think this a bit stupid? For lack a better word, I  feel that this competition just seems to be fixed to me. Who is gonna win??? Everyone that has money in the company. Let me just say that I could give a rat’s ass if I win, but its a given if you have money you can give the most. You can spend the most.

One sales girl was all, “Maybe we should a put a limit on how much we spend on the gift tree for the kids and their moms. I don’t wanna embarrass anyone with my gifts.”

Are you kidding me????

We don’t even know what these kids are gonna ask for! You gonna buy them a Xbox?!?!?

Like my VP went on the say the canned food drive was due to end and purchased $100 worth of food and ultimately his side won the canned food drive.

I just wanna beat people with a thorny stick today.

I mean the spirit of giving is here… but in a very assholery kind of way!

I Got Nothing… I Really Don’t.

Sorry but this post may lack the superiority it usually gives off. The reason for this lackluster and non thrilling post is because nothing happened.

Nope.

Zilch.
Unless you wanna know what I did this weekend. I watched movies… endless movies.

I am trying to remember what happened Friday. I can’t. All I know is what we ate which was KFC.

I was mighty angry that day. I got the 16 piece original chicken with four sides. How I got only two pieces I will never know!!! It still angers me .. how did I only get two pieces if there was 16!!

Bastards!!

Bah!!  I feel like I am in a family of ravenous wolves!! And again, if they all become zombies in the zombie apocalypse that is sure to happen, I know I am toast.  I am kinda scared what my two-year old little boy would look like as a zombie. I might fall under his spell like I usually do.

I mean who can resist this face. This wonderful cute face who gives me kisses, calls me mommy, and hugs me hard!!

And then you see this ….

I think I still love me!! Bite me Ryan!! Let me join you in the undead!!! Who else will get you glasses of tea?!? Or cut your corn dogs in small bite size parts so you don’t choke?! No one!! You need me … even in hell!!!!

On Friday, I was cruising the tv looking for something when I saw the movie 10,00 B.C.E. Have you heard of it?

   I had never seen it before. I remember when it came out a few years ago and I had actually wanted to see it.  It looks cool. Man in the beginning mingling with saber tooth tigers and wooly mammoths. It sounds exciting.

Oh my god it wasn’t. It was alright but I just can’t get over the fact that I wasted a good hour and half of my life!! Obviously, the  scenes were pretty bad. The acting was crap.. but the worse thing? The worse thing was the script. OMG who wrote that script! They need to be shot!!

These “cavemen” were using catchphrases as if … as if I was watching Die Hard or Lethal Weapon!!! What the fuck!!

For instance there is this one scene where the main character, D’Leh, is requesting more tribes to come to war with him to bring the stolen people of their villages. The tribal leader confronts D’Leh and remarks how can he be the leader in this war for he is just a boy.

D’Leh answers, “I am older than I look. “  Ummmmmm, do you honestly think a caveman would answer like that?!? There were many more like that seriously wanted to make me commit suicide!!

What also angered me was, D’Leh was the “chosen one” through prophecy who would lead his people all because the saber tooth would fear him.

How many scenes with the Saber Tooth you ask? Two! Two!! And not in the end where it would count! Like the Saber Tooth saving him or protecting him. What the hell was I watching!?! I needed Pauly Shore from Encino Man to bust out in the scene and save this movie!!!

So that was my weekend.

How was yours??

Revisiting the Smart Car…. That Still Sucks.

Over the weekend I ran to the store and as I was walking in I saw parked up front a smart car.

Awwwwwww am I right??

However, I got angry! My Tahoe could have used that space!!! Notice how the smart car is this tiny thing in this space!!! You could fit five Smart cars in there!!! Why don’t we do that for now on?!?! Lets just cram five of them in one space.  I like that idea!!

Yeah let’s do it!!

I don’t know if you remember but I wrote a blog many moons ago about the Smart Car and basically how they sucked. At the time, I was just being stupid and sarcastic. However a lot of people gave me grief about my blog in turn making me actually hate the Smart Car and their “supposed” purpose.

My theory is its a conspiracy by the government for control on the growing population. Convince the masses that it’s a cool unique smart car, have them by it, then BOOM! a 18 wheeler comes crashing into you leaving nothing but broken glass everywhere.

Touche government, touche.

Feel free to read up ….. What\’s the Deal-Smart Car

I love the Smart Car’s slogan. It’s so uncar or open your mind to the car that challenges the status quo.

Here is the so-called benefit to the Smart Car: Over 96 million Americans drive to work alone each day. That means there are about 288,675,000 empty seats commuting to and from work. Astonishing. That’s why we got rid of the backseat entirely.

I am sorry but that is stupid. If that is the case… then the whole of this car is for lonely fucks!! Fucks that don’t have kids or a lover!!! If  a guy got rolled up in a Smart Car…. jaaaaaaaaaaaaaa,  I can just imagine what the “real package” looks like.

I’ll be like…  I didn’t order a smart car! I ordered a bull dozer baby!!

People who drive these cars probably sing… Eric Carmen’s All By Myself!!

Yeah yeah I said!

Also, what the fuck is this!?!

“Look son, this is what you will inherit.”

“Gee Dad doesn’t look much bigger then the car I drive now.”

“I know what it looks like but it will save you a lot of gas and it will keep you very unlaid.”

“Awww really dad!! That’s what I always wanted…. a non pimp-mobile! I wanna stay a virgin forever. “

“Well here it is. I just gotta make sure no one sneezes on it til you turn 16!”

Damnit!!

Well at least, you got the extended warranty.

Why is it called Smart Car anyways?

Is it just because it saves on gas? Is it because you not only bought a car but also a coffin and burial plot in one??

I am sorry but that ain’t very smart.

You know what is smart though??

A car that would prevent you from crashing. Yeah, that would be smart!

You know what would be smart… if there was a radar that would alert you when you got to close to another car. That would be smart!!

And lets say you ignored the alert, then a brake assist system would kick in and apply the brakes, bringing the car to a stop, if needed. Yes! That would be fucking intelligent!!

Too bad we don’t have this technology!

Wait!!!

We do!!

Mercedes has it! And yes Mercedes is actually a real life car!!!

Now shouldn’t that be called a Smart Car?

Just because Justin Bieber now wears glasses doesn’t make him smart…. so we wouldn’t call him that  unless he was actually fucking smart, right??

I get the angle of the Smart Car but it doesn’t make sense!! I say this as I hit my head with my fists!

All these yuppie loving Smart Car drivers need to find an island and not shower together!!

(dropped the mic and walked away George Jefferson style)