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Archive for the ‘Football’ Category

Tebow: 0 ; God:Still Winning

Thank freaking God Tebow lost.

I mean I was rooting for the virgin but with all this religion,Jesus only loves the Broncos, hub drub I was starting to get worried.

Jesus obviously loves everyone…

Also, in a drunken bet, I told everyone that if Tebow won against the Pats I would got to church. I would “believe”.

Thank God that didn’t happen. See what I did there….. I thanked God for … oh nevermind.

So God must love Brady… or has  a daughter that we don’t know about that has seen Brady in his skeevies….

I am just trying to make sense of it all.

So moral of the story: Tebow is not anointed by God and Brady probably loved Tebow scrambling frantically,”Why has God forsaken me? Is this a test?!??!”

Tebow that one time in band camp did count!!

Just saying!

Tebowing or Teboning: What Happened??

People have been talking about Tim Tebow a lot especially during his football games. In case you don’t know, Tim Tebow is the quarter back for the Denver Broncos.

Tebow is one hell of a player and he is one handsome guy. I always thought so!!

Well, it’s also known that Tim Tebow is a big Christian boy. He is very public with his beliefs. In fact, every time he has participated in a big play, he automatically points to the sky or gets down on his knees and thanks God.

This “move” is now called “Tebowing.” It’s  an actual word, a new verb that has been added to the English language.

And see none of this wouldn’t matter IF the Broncos weren’t all of a sudden a winning team. Yes winning!!  Tebow has directed his once-floundering teammates to six straight victories! His outward display of his Christian faith, along with his unorthodox playing style, have made him the most controversial and polarizing player in the National Football League.

Tebow, who has been dubbed the “Mile High Messiah’’ and has given new meaning to quarterbacks “taking a knee,’’ has found himself a humorous target. Broncos jerseys with “JESUS’’ emblazoned above his No. 15 are hot sellers in Denver. Bill Cosby asked residents to “call Tim Tebow and ask him for a great day’’ before the comedian performs there at the end of March. Oakland fans held up “Welcome to Hell’’ signs before the Broncos played there last month.

Tebow’s own pastors are saying that the whole reason his team is winning is because Tim is a devout Christian who recognizes God in his life, lives accordingly, and is a virgin.

A what?!?!?!

A virgin!??!

Are you serious?!?!

No one has tapped that yummy, tight ass!! Why not?

Ohhhhh, he is waiting for marriage??

That is a travesty!! Not the whole waiting for marriage thing… but the fact that no one has been dipped into his sexual chocolate!!!

That is a crime!! Tebowing should have never been invented!! It should have been Teboning!! Or Tebowing should have meant something entirely different! That he ganged bang the hell outta the college groupies!!

It would have been epic!!

Imagine his new touchdown dance will be pelvis thrusts!!

This guy knows what I am talking about

Just saying…. someone needs to get on that.

I totally volunteer.

Alas, now he is this poster child that weak-minded people have latched onto… because he is winning games. It’s an apparent sign! It’s not because he is a bad ass player that he has a defense to be reckoned with.

No, God has chosen Tebow.

And that also means the rest of the teams are screwed!! Especially my Dallas Cowboys. They will never see a super bowl again!!

I can guarantee all my Boys are fornicators, drunkards, gamblers, etc.

God damnit! We are so screwed!!!!

God hates the Cowboys!!!

Jesus hates us Romo.

I Am A [insert bad word here} Rockstar!

Yesterday my good blogger friend bestowed onto me a bad ass award. Ahem, I am now the Queen of the Fuckin Nile!

No Way? Way!

Wait what … Not the Queen of the fuckin Nile? Did I lose again? They gave to who? Mother Theresa! Damnit!

Always a fucking bridesmaid!

No the award I did win was this.

Check this out!!!

I have never won anything before in my life.  I’ve always been a second placer and I’ve been cool with that. Second place in a soccer tournament. Second place in a beauty contest. I lost to some Asian chick. It’s cool. Asian girls were in at the time. Maybe I should have squinted my eyes more and maybe not worn panties?

The cool thing is I didn’t do shit for the award.  I love laziness. However, I need to recognize Mrs Fnkybee and her blog All Things Fnkybee for still looking behind the mess and seeing me.

Hi! Love ya. Big X little o Big X bunch of little o’s.

I love her hilarious antics, her wit, and god damnit she makes me wanna move to Tennessee so I party with her. She is such cool chick.  You definitely deserved your award.  You da bomb baby!

I also wanna thank my mom for having me. Thanks for getting knocked up mom! Thank you WordPress for Freshly Pressing me that one day. It felt so good! Same time tomorrow? I’ll bring the hot oil! I also wanna thank my kids for being asleep right now so I can write this blog. Wait, no …  maybe I should thank the makers of Benadryl. Your shit does work! I wanna thank Gus for getting me a laptop two Christmases ago. I love you man. You are the bread to my tuna.

So now I gotta write 7 seven things about me. And in turn, name 7 more bloggers that I feel deserve this award.

1. I fucking hate talking about myself. I get all uncomfortable. So that’s why I make everything up. Like the time I blew up a car for the hell of it. True Story!

2. I love to cuss. I could have been a sailor man just for the cussing.  I try everyday not to cuss like at work. However, as soon as I get in the car I turn on my tunes and yell the fuck away. Damnit its cool in Britain. I think?

3. I love music. Everykind. I am a rocker but I also like a good groove. I too dance at supermarkets. But when your three-year old says she is embarrassed, that right there is a sign!

4. I love football. I wish sometimes I had been born a big fat dude so I could have played in the NFL and tackle the hell out of someone.

5. I am very impressionable. I change my likes almost daily. Like I just finished watching The Runaways. Now I wanna be a rocker. A girl rocker and I need a leather jacket. In case anyone wants to give me one I am a size small. 

6. I am clumsy. I fall on a daily basis. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me. But I am like that chick from Good Luck Chuck. In fact, I think I inspired that flick!

7. I am into conspiracy theories and history. Like the Freemasons, the Illuminati, JFK assassination, the Holy Grail.  And it doesn’t help that I am addicted to TV.

So that’s me in a nutshell. A really big fat one.

So who do I bestow the honor of being a stylish blogger?

They are … drum roll please…

1.  Thypolar Life Uncensored. This chick is like my gang sister if I were in a gang.  She is hilarious. And she does come from crazy so it helps.  Her blog is one that I need to read everyday. Once you read her you will too! You can’t get over her crazy and funny antics! It must be the voices telling her what to do! Please send her vodka and cranberry. It helps.

2.Me, A Name I Call Myself Ah, this was my first ruca. Blog ruca that is. She is a great friend and blogger. She is so funny and witty.Her thinking is a bit warped but it makes for great entertainment. And she is super real. Tells it like it is!

3.Confessions of a Conflicted Mean Girl Her rants are hilarious. Her stories are crazy. You read her blogs and you can’t believe that shit happened to her. Why isn’t TLC knocking at her door?!!?

4. Some Species Eat their Young I am usually all about the ladies … uh bloggers that is but this guy is hilarious. I mean hello his title alone is funny. He is creative, funny, smart and you get addicted to his blog right away! His stories of his kids keep you laughing and you become like me following your kids around with a pen and paper asking them to say or do (ANYTHING!) funny.

5. How I Ended Up This Way\’s Blog Where do I start? I guess I have a thing for crazy ladies. She is funny and her stories are completely random! It’s like getting slapped in the face all the time. But the good way.

6. Riding In Cars with Ducks I actually just started this blog. However I am hooked. She tells a good story. She is also quirky and funny and somehow educates me at the same time. Anyone who can do without letting the other person know is good!

7. Last but not least …. Girl On the Contrary This blogger is talented and cute and funny. She is always inventing her blog in new and different ways.  She is weird … like me. So of course I love her!  

Whew! I could have named many more. I would have felt better if I could have had ten choices!

So again thanks for the award. I am gonna party like what else … a fucking rocker!

P.s. Don’t forget to read my column at Ajdaily.com. It’s more me than you can handle!

Marinasleeps Talks Super Bowl or something

I have absolutely nothing to write about today.

Yeah, I felt the need to share that with you. 

So lets talk about one of America’s biggest tradition. No not spring break! The Super Bowl!

Of course I saw the Super Bowl yesterday. It’s what we Americans do. Besides bomb people and steal their gas. True Story.

The Super Bowl was especially big in El Paso where we are  having a  “Water Emergency”.  We were told not to wash our cars, not to wash clothes. Hell they asked us not to take showers. Water was only for drinking. Apparently, because of the severe weather we had, water pipes busted throughout the city depleting us of our water (?).

I live here and I honestly can’t say I know what’s going on.  So I traded my drinking water time so I can shower. I don’t drink water anyways.  So to me, it was a fair trade. I can not function without a shower and I figured I would do America the favor and just shower. No one wants me to be chaotic. Its far too early for that.

So anyways I watched the Super Bowl for two reasons (1) To see the demise of the Steelers! (2) Watch Funny Super Bowl commercials.

Some of you know that I am a Cowboys fan. So obviously, I did not want the Steelers to win.  I DO NOT LIKE THE STEELERS!  So if they won, I probably would have gone postal. Thank God the Packers won. I did not want to join the postal services.

The only thing that puzzled me was that after the game was over and the Packers were celebrating, the Steelers, heads held low, walked to their locker rooms.  I actually felt bad for them. What the hell is wrong with me?  I am definitely getting too soft in my age. What’s next?

Gray pubes?!!?!

The commercials weren’t all that funny this year. I miss the day when they were hilarious. I did like the E Trade babies. Who doesn’t like talking babies?! I liked the Chrysler commercials. I also like the Budweiser commercials. However I LOVE THE DARTH VADER COMMERICAL.

I actually saw Glee for the first time.

I actually liked it. Am I weird?  Before I was indifferent, but now I must say I love gay people. I need to find a gay man and force him to be my best friend.  Though gay men don’t seem to like me. It probably cause I am more closer to being a butch then a real lady.

However, I am lady enough to say what the hell was up with Christina Aguilera’s make up? That was way to much make-up for even your regular drag queen.  And yes she did mess up the words of the National Anthem.  And true, she should have done her homework in memorizing the words as well as possible. Hello she is a singer … for a freaking living!

But, it’s not all her fault. Those lyrics are among the most difficult things any performer ever has to sing. “O’er the ramparts we watched …”? Why are they singing about people looking at Dodge pickup accessories? Francis Scott Key was not exactly a Jay-Z. In the third stanza, he rhymed “battle’s confusion” with “foul footsteps’ pollution,” for instance. I figure he was running out of ideas at that point.

I don’t know what the hell happened during the half time show.  I believe they were trying to contact other planets.  Seriously, who ok’ed those outfits? They need to be shot!

I saw some funny tweets about the half time. Otherwise I would not have gotten through it. I would have lost it with hysteria. The lights! They are so bright!

Apparently I Also Suffer From A Broken (heart) Collarbone

Actually. No.

I am just kidding. I suffer from a broken heart. And I must say … I HATE THE NY GIANTS. LOATHE.

I watched the Monday Football game in toll with my Romo jersey.  The kids and I were all camped around the TV in hopes that we will see the Cowboys they way we love them.  We love them to WIN.

In the beginning, it was going great. And then it happened. Romo was down, hurt! He got escorted out! The atmosphere changed. I was in panic mode. WTH!!! Someone explain something! I was like an angry parent yelling at the doctor, “What happened? Is he gonna be ok? Will he finish this game?”

No answers. Kitna came out. I always said before of how I don’t like Kitna. He sucks. How can he be our second string QB?!?!  The momentum was gone. Where was Ware? Where was Ratliff? What the fuck line men? Stand your ground. It was just one thing after another. 

I was angry, let down because it was like I was watching the Lions. The ball did not move. Despite tries (Dez Bryant’s return led to a TOUCHDOWN!!), we weren’t moving.

In the end, we didn’t do terrible. Sure people stopped trying. Maybe they thought it was hopeless. But Kitna still managed to get two touchdowns. He put the team 6 points behind the Giants. And everyone was saying, the Giants are on fire! Really?!!? Then they should have blew us out the water. We should have lost by 20! Yes I know. A win is a win.

Truth is, I can’t blame Kitna. No one can’t. He doesn’t practice with Whitten, Williams, Austin, or any of the offense. Romo is out … so lets concentrate on what we got! Get Kitna comfortable with plays that he can do. He can’t do Romo plays because he is not Romo! Design plays for him! The team has changed so now focus on getting the confortable back.

Someone needs to lead the team. Stand up Bryant! Stand up Ware! Boost the momentum! Someone do something.

I have now crawled in a hole. True, I feel like shit do to sinus and alergies. But my heart is  broken. Football can’t be over already, can’t it?

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