In the room where I sleep … my thoughts overflow.

Archive for the ‘Conspiracy Theory’ Category

The Lady of the Hill

In honor of this special day, I looked up haunted places in my area.

The one that I am most familiar with and have actually visited is the city’s oldest high school. Its called El Paso High School. Visually, its one of the most beautiful buildings you will see in your life.

Nicknamed “The Lady of the Hill”, the school sits on a mountainside and stands out prominently on the horizon commanding a view of the city. Opened in 1916, the Greco-Roman features of El Paso High made it a unique landmark in town.

The ground floor is below street level. The second floor is at street level, and its two perpendicular wings connect at a 45-degree angle with a heavily decorated Corinthian porch or pavilion. This overlooks the football stadium.

It is truly an oasis in our desert.

However, you may not want to be there after dark. Usually around 2 a.m.  the faint notes of the high school’s fight song begin to sound, then, more clearly, cheerleaders cheering and students laughing, and stamping feet cascading into a pep rally – in a locked empty auditorium.

At this point, you are hearing ghosts.

Tobias H. “Toby” Tovar, 55, a math instructor at El Paso High School,  insists that the high school is the most haunted building in El Paso.

Since the construction, there have been many modifications done to the school to accommodate the growing student body. Because of that, many of the original classrooms and hallways are no more, but there are stories that some of the modifications were done because of spirits that seem to have an affinity for certain areas of the building.

It is said that there is a hall that leads to a balcony that is also closed off.  People say they have seen an image of a girl jumping from the balcony. According to the story, every single day, mist and fog roam the abandoned hallway and there seems to be some “gooey-stuff” on the ceiling. This unusual activity stems from an incident that happened nearly 35 years ago when a distraught teenage girl killed herself by slitting her wrists and then, throwing herself from a balcony at the end of the hallway. There have been enough sightings that a wall was built completely closing the stairway leading up to the haunted hallway.

It doesn’t end there. Since the day it was constructed weird things have been happening.

In the recent El Paso High School yearbook, there is a reproduction of an old photograph showing a young lady in a white dress watching the original construction of the building in 1916. However, this unknown woman was not in the original photograph. Who was she and most importantly, how did she get in the picture?

I used to work for this company that would install data and voice cable in different schools. An employee and I went to El Paso High to survey the work that would be done. I had never heard anything about the school. I remember feeling immediately freaked out even during the day with class in session. I was immediately brought to a certain area where the school kept all their memorabilia of past trophies, awards, and class pictures of years before.

As I looked through the pictures. I ran into a photo that sent chills down my back.

Here is a picture of the class of 1986. Every one is smiling and staring directly at the camera. In the photo, its clear nice day. The picture has no defects despite the time. However, while everyone is clear as day, one person is not.

The girl in the long white gown whose hair is to the side of her face. Her face is completely blurry.

The picture has not been altered or Photoshop in any way. It’s just terribly eerie how everyone is so clear and distinct and hers is disturbingly faint and fuzzy.

What’s troubling for the school is that the girl on white was not in the original negative but is in the developed photo.

The figure in the picture is at the end of a row primarily of teachers. There are two young ladies, one toward the right end of the group and one on the left center of the group who are looking intently toward where this mysterious young lady is standing. Were these two young ladies perhaps the only ones sensitive enough to realize that something was wrong?

This mysterious girl was not part of that particular graduating class and no one in the class that was photographed admitted knowing the identity of the girl. But regardless of how she got into the picture, she is very clearly in the photograph, a lonely looking girl standing before the camera.

Tovar has tons of stories about events at the school. “About 15 years ago, it snowed in El Paso to the point that schools were closed. A few teachers and students had arrived before the closure announcement. Those teachers and students who had been able to make it to school were not allowed to leave due to unsafe road conditions. Having nothing else to do, a group of students and teachers, decided to explore the school starting with the tunnels in the basement,” he said.

At one point, several of the teachers crawled through a small opening eventually coming to a brick wall that blocked the tunnel. The bricks were old and the cement between them was crumbling, but it was clear that these bricks had been added long after the surrounding brickwork. Curious, one of the teachers pushed on the newer bricks until some gave way, revealing a large dark cavity. Pushing a flashlight through the hole, they discovered a sealed off classroom.

“This discovery surprised everyone as no one had even heard a whisper that there might be sealed off classrooms in the building,” said Tovar. The room was small and contained antique desks of the type seen in the television show Little House on the Prairie. There was no doubt that the classroom dated from the original construction of the building. The classroom was still set up with desks in place, texts and student notebooks still in place waiting for the students.

“There were Baby Ruth candy bar wrappers on the floor from a time this product sold for 5 cents as well as numerous 5-cent coke bottles. In one of the student notebooks lying on a desk, they found, in addition to algebra notes and completed problems, a very racy love letter from the owner of the book to a boy,” he explained.

The racy love letter is interesting to me because the story of the girl who slit her wrists and jumped from the balcony of the roof is said to have been depressed over a boy who didn’t return her affections. Could this be the letter of the heartbroken girl?

There was a second sealed off classroom nearby, also ready to receive students, now filled with only dust and silence. Try as they might, they were never able to discover why, two classrooms would be sealed off so fast that they would not be cleaned of debris, desks nor texts nor the students be given time to claim their personal articles.

The vast basement has been used as an overflow morgue during several of our nation’s wars. During World War II there were so many casualties shipped here that bodies had been stored in the basement until the next of kin could be notified. During the Spanish Flu Epidemic in the early part of the 1900s, so many died that the bodies were also stored in the basement of the High School.

At one point in his career in the early 1980s, Toby Tovar was the basketball coach for the 8th grade basketball team. That year, the 8th grade team was undefeated and they were scheduled to play the only other undefeated team in the city. Each afternoon the 8th grade team had gym time scheduled from 5 p.m. to 7.p.m. in the gym immediately below his classroom. A disquieting event happened during practice one day.

Just after they started practice, two waist-high access doors leading to the tunnels flew violently open, slamming back against the wall on either side. Naturally, the assumption eventually reached, even though there was little if any wind outside, was that a freak draft coming down one of the many chimneys had blown the latched doors open. The doors were shut and long heavy bench was placed in front of the doors to make sure that they would stay closed.

“The kids had gone back to their scrimmage game and they were all at the far end of the court. At about 7 p.m., the bench went flying across the court and the doors, that had been securely latched, again flew open violently,” Tovar related. Suffice it to say that this team, made up of gang members who didn’t fear the devil himself, led by a coach who, in his youth had led two tough barrio gangs, decided to leave the building without even taking the time to turn out the lights.

Another story is about the journalism teacher and the journalism staff. He and the yearbook staff would work long into the night to produce a first class yearbook. One night he sent the last students home, and planned on being close behind them, but he had a few last-minute things to do. It was almost exactly 11 p.m. when he finally left.

According to Tovar, when the journalism teacher turned toward the exit, standing in the pool of dim red light thrown by the exit sign was a young lady wearing a blue chiffon dress of the type that would be worn to the School Prom in the 1940s or 1950s. Thinking it was one of his students, asked her what she was doing there and told her to go home.

The girl turned and looked directly at him, her expression one of deep sadness. As he walked toward her, she began to become transparent and he noticed that she was not standing on the floor, but rather hovering in mid-air about a foot off of the floor. When he was only a few feet from her, she glided back into the deeper darkness of the hallway and disappeared.

Another more famous story has to do with the track coach and track team. The Track Team returned to the school very late at night after a track meet in Austin. The Track Teams’ locker room was in the area beneath Tovar’s classroom. The students came into the building to drop off their track gear and pick up their possessions they had left in their lockers.

As the students were gathering their possessions, the coach suddenly heard the sounds of the  Fight Song, cheerleaders performing their cheers and the sounds of a very spirited pep rally coming from the Second Floor Auditorium. Baffled, but thinking it might be a surprise reception for his Track Team that had just won the State Championship, the coach ran up the stairs to the second floor and, even though everything was dark, he dashed for the auditorium, a hundred feet away. Just as he reached the doors to the Auditorium, all of the sounds stopped. He found that the doors to the Auditorium were locked and he could no longer see nor hear anything.

He unlocked the Auditorium and entered. He found everything dark and quiet. There were no sounds that anyone had been there recently.  No sooner had he rejoined his students than once again they all heard the sounds of the Fight Song, cheerleaders leading cheers and voices screaming. Followed by most of the remaining students, the coach dashed back up the stairs toward the Auditorium. Once again, halfway to the door, all sounds stopped, the school was dark and silent as a tomb.

The building is steeped in history but it hides its secrets well. Doing modifications to the auditorium, workers removed the steps leading to the stage and found hidden, one or two books per step, an entire set of a Catholic Encyclopedia hidden beneath the steps. This set of books is complete, lavishly illustrated and a real treasure. How did they get inside those steps? Who put them there and most importantly, why were they placed in such an unusual hiding place?

I have been there after dark. It is the most haunting sight to see. The school itself is overpowering  in visual making it more scary to imagine what goes on behind those doors when the lights shut off for the night.

AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU JUPITER?!?! AM I NOT!?!?!

Last year around this time I posted this POST.

Go ahead and read it and marvel at my hilarity and incompetence of  spell check.

……….

In exactly, one month and two days I will be…. 28.
So that means I didn’t die. I apparently am not good enough for the The 27 club.

I didn’t die!

I repeat … I didn’t die!

And I must tell you… I am really disappointed! I am not a celebrity of any kind you guys?!?! My 274 blog followers apparently mean nothing to Jupiter! I know Lindsey Lohan doesn’t have that many! Even if she does… it is only because we are all waiting for her to kick the bucket. She better not do it when she is 27 or I will riot the streets of Beverly Hills!!

True, I did find the most unflattering pic of her.
I can totally open my mouth wider than that!

What do I have to do? What do I gotta do to be recognized?

Do I gotta make  a sex tape? I think the dim lighting would do wonders for my skin.

Do I have to get drunk in public and fall over the place…. possibly squat on the side of the road and take a piss? I have mastered the squat.

Do I gotta flash the lady tiddy-bits? I’ll show you all right now!!!

What?!?! What?!? What must I do?

My plan was never to see 28… alive! And now it’s staring me in the face like a demon monkey.

And now I am starting to feel the effects of the age….

My hip makes popping nose.

I ache to go to bed at 8:00 p.m.

I suddenly have an interest on pooping on regular basis thus all the fiber vitamins!

I read the newspaper… gasp!!

I was driving at speeds of 30 on a 65 mile highway!

I called someone a whippersnapper.

The latest offense … I told my kids back in my day …. blah blah … I tuned my self out too so I have no idea what I said.

If I find a white pube…. I will lose my shit. Literally …. I am wearing Depends as we speak. You know how those bowel movements come and go.

True …. I have 32 days for something to happen but I need a Plan B.

No not the emergency birth control pill… I mean I need an alternate idea.

I think its time to embrace … gulp… this getting older thing. I might make an excellent cougar!

I still have the whole die in the woods of Montana fighting a bear if I make it to 35 years old thing to look forward too. So there’s that.

Or I could work on being a Stacy’s Mom Got it Going On thing.

Or shoot for becoming Stifler’s mom…. just less chipmunk cheeks.

So if nothing kills me within the next thirty days … well old age here we come. I will just start my mid-life crisis now.

This Just In: Mondays are More Depressing than We Thought

I cursed the day this morning. As soon as I heard the alarm, I heard the most horrible livid words come spewing out of my mouth.

Me? The Saint.

I know right? I am just as surprised as you. Mother fucking Monday ruining my day.

Mondays make it hard for a me to smile. In fact, I probably won’t smile until 11:18 A.M. and not a minutes less.

Studies show that I am going to arrive  late to work and actually work only 3 hours.  I am fucking screwed today people!! All because it’s a Monday.

I figured that there has to be way…. there has to be a way to beat the negativity that Mondays bring.

Work is my tribe.  I spend more time here then I do at home (someone needs to fix that!!). I need to reconnect with these people cause though, I hate the majority of them, they are still my tribe. We  are essentially cavemen in city suits.  And we are experiencing this Monday together.

Sure there are some I would let the Saber tooth tiger of life eat like the crazy always cheerful receptionist in Admin who I think is high on Meth and not the supposed “high on God” she so claims.

Perhaps I need to linger around the ole coffee pot and connect. You know, feel part of the tribe.

But oh God, there is “Dipweed” of Purchasing that sooooooooooo wants to tell you about his weekend. He stands there staring at you with his goofy smile, watching you prepare the shit you call coffee but can actually fuel a 18 wheeler.

He asks how was your weekend. I know he doesn’t really wanna know about my weekend…. I answer him anyways counting down in my head how long it will take him to interrupt me…

1…2…3…

“That’s great… we had a barbecue this weekend. Had the in-laws over. You know how that goes… my daughter said the cutest thing…. blah blah blah…”

Why isn’t this coffee poison?!?!

 And after that … well its all down hill after that.

The next few hours are for remorse…. remorse and regret about not fully enjoying the weekend, not taking more naps, not watching more tv, not appreciating the bed/sofa/refrig.

Monday …. you suck. No matter how I try to see it you are trouble. You bring more days just like you!  You remind me how short life is and how I can’t do it because I am too busy doing the responsibilities you bring in!!  It’s the longest day of the week; it’s a proven scientific fact. Each second is .88892% longer. Just because it’s Monday.

Plus I heard that Monday eats small children, puppies, and little people.

Thursday Movie Review- Hello? Anybody? Hello Hello!

In 31 days its going to be 2012!!!

Do you know what that means??

Not only does my license expire that year and I will have to experience the hell that is the DMV, but also it may possibly be the end of the world or something really badass!

The Mayans predicted the world to end on 12/21/2012.

According to the sacred texts of Wikipedia, it states and I quote: The 2012 phenomenon comprises a range of  beliefs that cataclysmic or transformative events will occur on December 21, 2012. This date is regarded as the end-date of a 5,125-year-long cycle in the Mesoamerican Long Count calendar. Various astronomical alignments and numerological formulae related to this date have been proposed. interpretation of this transition postulates that this date marks the start of time in which Earth and its inhabitants may undergo a positive physical or spiritual transformation, and that 2012 may mark the beginning of a new era. Others suggest that the 2012 date marks the end of the world or a similar catastrophe.”

Sweet!!!

So I will either turn into a unicorn, zombie, or die in fiery horrible death.

Am I the only one who gets how crazily bad ass/freakin crazy this might be?

Anybody? Hello? Hello?

So in order to sharpen on my Mayan skills, I decided it would be a good thing to watch a movie that may involve the Mayans in some way.

The only thing I was interested in seeing was Apocalypto.

I had seen this movie before. If you haven’t, I suggest you see it. It’s as visual an experience as it is visceral.

Set in the Mayan civilization, when a man’s idyllic presence is brutally disrupted by a violent invading force, he is taken on a perilous journey to a world ruled by fear and oppression where a harrowing end awaits him. Through a twist of fate and spurred by the power of his love for his woman and his family he will make a desperate break to return home and to ultimately save his way of life.

The Mayan kingdom is at the absolute height of opulence and power, but leaders are convinced that unless more temples are constructed and more human sacrifices made, the crops, and ultimately the people, will suffer.

Mayans have been known to cut out the hearts of their victims as the movie shown.

Yuck.

So what did I learn?

Well in general, bras and undies are a commodity that we should never take for granted!

And second, the Mayans were bad ass.

But I learned nothing that pertains to our current predictment.

OMG I am going to die a sad unicorn!!!!

But wait!!

There is hope. Lets ask our government… the good ole U.S of A!

Mom? Dad?

I just asked my mom and she just said I am totally fucked in the head!!

Her words: Bullshit! The end of the Long Count holds no more significance than Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve: the Maya just had a celebration and then started a new calendar. Even they didn’t think it was going to be the end of the world, and even if they had, why the fuck would they be expected to know?

Mother!! Watch your language!!

Anyways, I never listen to my mom anyways.

So I prepared an End of the World kit.

Make Armageddon fun! This sturdy tin contains all the critical tools you'll need to face the final days. Included are: Protection from zombies, nuclear war and killer bees, a final breath of air, a communion wafer and a few surprises. Act now! The end is near!

I need to get hay. Thats what unicorns eat, right?

 

Revisiting the Smart Car…. That Still Sucks.

Over the weekend I ran to the store and as I was walking in I saw parked up front a smart car.

Awwwwwww am I right??

However, I got angry! My Tahoe could have used that space!!! Notice how the smart car is this tiny thing in this space!!! You could fit five Smart cars in there!!! Why don’t we do that for now on?!?! Lets just cram five of them in one space.  I like that idea!!

Yeah let’s do it!!

I don’t know if you remember but I wrote a blog many moons ago about the Smart Car and basically how they sucked. At the time, I was just being stupid and sarcastic. However a lot of people gave me grief about my blog in turn making me actually hate the Smart Car and their “supposed” purpose.

My theory is its a conspiracy by the government for control on the growing population. Convince the masses that it’s a cool unique smart car, have them by it, then BOOM! a 18 wheeler comes crashing into you leaving nothing but broken glass everywhere.

Touche government, touche.

Feel free to read up ….. What\’s the Deal-Smart Car

I love the Smart Car’s slogan. It’s so uncar or open your mind to the car that challenges the status quo.

Here is the so-called benefit to the Smart Car: Over 96 million Americans drive to work alone each day. That means there are about 288,675,000 empty seats commuting to and from work. Astonishing. That’s why we got rid of the backseat entirely.

I am sorry but that is stupid. If that is the case… then the whole of this car is for lonely fucks!! Fucks that don’t have kids or a lover!!! If  a guy got rolled up in a Smart Car…. jaaaaaaaaaaaaaa,  I can just imagine what the “real package” looks like.

I’ll be like…  I didn’t order a smart car! I ordered a bull dozer baby!!

People who drive these cars probably sing… Eric Carmen’s All By Myself!!

Yeah yeah I said!

Also, what the fuck is this!?!

“Look son, this is what you will inherit.”

“Gee Dad doesn’t look much bigger then the car I drive now.”

“I know what it looks like but it will save you a lot of gas and it will keep you very unlaid.”

“Awww really dad!! That’s what I always wanted…. a non pimp-mobile! I wanna stay a virgin forever. “

“Well here it is. I just gotta make sure no one sneezes on it til you turn 16!”

Damnit!!

Well at least, you got the extended warranty.

Why is it called Smart Car anyways?

Is it just because it saves on gas? Is it because you not only bought a car but also a coffin and burial plot in one??

I am sorry but that ain’t very smart.

You know what is smart though??

A car that would prevent you from crashing. Yeah, that would be smart!

You know what would be smart… if there was a radar that would alert you when you got to close to another car. That would be smart!!

And lets say you ignored the alert, then a brake assist system would kick in and apply the brakes, bringing the car to a stop, if needed. Yes! That would be fucking intelligent!!

Too bad we don’t have this technology!

Wait!!!

We do!!

Mercedes has it! And yes Mercedes is actually a real life car!!!

Now shouldn’t that be called a Smart Car?

Just because Justin Bieber now wears glasses doesn’t make him smart…. so we wouldn’t call him that  unless he was actually fucking smart, right??

I get the angle of the Smart Car but it doesn’t make sense!! I say this as I hit my head with my fists!

All these yuppie loving Smart Car drivers need to find an island and not shower together!!

(dropped the mic and walked away George Jefferson style)

What’s The Deal With the New England Area

I recently saw this movie, A Haunting in Connecticut.

Of course it freaked me out totally… I am totally chicken to supernatural movies. It supposedly is based on a true story. If you read the “actual” account, the family claims they were extremely tormented by the entities that lived in the house. The oldest son who was suffering from cancer became violent and sexually assaulted a family member which was apparently unlike his character.  The parents claimed they were raped by the entities. The father said he was raped too. What the fuck Connecticut?!?!

It got me thinking… what the fuck is going on in the New England area?!!

Seriously, there is this movie, the Blair Witch Project, the Amityville Horror and lots more probably but I am just too chicken to find out!

What is the deal???

Is it cause the New England area is the one the oldest areas in the US and rich with history?

This has you-will-be-raped-by-a-ghost all over it!!

Every time I watch Ghost Adventures or whatever all those terrifying things are to watch and make you freak out at night with the slightest sound, I notice they are featuring  stories of bars or homes that haunted. 3 out 5 are in the New England area.

I don’t why we did it but we sure angered some people and royally pissed off some women that were actual witches.

Seriously what is going on over there? I am actually scared to go into the houses. People were obviously crazy back then… before crazy could be called crazy!

To this day I still can’t send my kids to the corner. Have you seen the Blair Witch Project?!?!

What in Sam Hill!??!

Why would anyone wanna piss off a witch? Its like sticking your head in an alligator’s mouth. Sooner or later, its bound to shut!

Wasn’t the Exorcist story taken place in Washington DC?

Ahhhhh, I am never leaving my home. It was just built so I know it’s not haunted.  And I checked to make sure there was no Indian burial grounds or an old cemetery where we now live. Seriously… I did.

It’s the least I could for my family. I am pretty sure Gus doesn’t wanna get raped anytime soon.

My 27 year Old Melt Down- Saturn Noooooo!!

This is not promotion that my birthday is coming up.

No not at all.

(September 8)

 

That would be shameless  promotion.

The point is that I am turning 27!! 

Forget the fact that I am three years away from 30!

The big deal is that I could die!!!

Gulp!!

And by default I am automatically enrolled in the 27 club!

What is the 27 club, you ask?

The 27 Club, also occasionally known as the Forever 27 Club, Club 27 or the Curse of 27, is the title for an epitomic group of influential musicians who all died at the age of 27. They are generally considered to have led a “rock and roll” lifestyle.

I will forcibly be enrolled into the club. And now I will die… sometime in my 27th year!!

And I don’t wanna hear your whining! “Marina isn’t a influential rocker!” or “Hello Marina! This is for musicians only!”

I sing just as much as Amy Winehouse! Sure my shit aint’ recorded… yet… but I sing! Hear me the damn car! In the shower!  I am like a triple threat. I got moves, the voice and blonde hair now! Why wouldn’t the curse befall on my head?!? How could it not?!?!

The simple fact is I am going to die. Probably for overdosing. The only problem is I am not a chronic user of anything. This is the part where I request a prescription to pain medicine or some heavy muscle relaxers.

please??

Or I can take up alcohol. Which I already decided to do so because I heard it keeps you young. I want my pores to scream out… “Hey you there! Look the fuck at me! Look! Fuck me!!”

Amy Winehouse.  Janis Joplin. Jimi Hendrix.  Kurt Cobain. Jim Morrison. Robert Johnson. Brian Jones. This list goes on and on. All these people died at 27 years old!!

WTF! Doesn’t that alarms to any of you?! It should! Why? Because I am going to be 27!!

The theory is that the planet Saturn is the reason. It wants only 27-year-old people in their planet. Something about hot and multi-talented people only. A-list. I am just gonna stop right there so i don’t  overwhelm you with my self-confidence. Because I ooozzzzzeee self confidence.

Or… and this totally more probable … Something called ‘Saturn’s Return’ first appears in our zodiac charts between the ages of 27 and 30.  Saturn is thought to rule sorrow and regret, representing suffering and the ‘door to infinite wisdom.’ A well placed Saturn in your chart can bring huge success, but for those who aren’t ready for it can bring a time of severe suffering.

And guess what…Saturn is known as the Grim Reaper. Mother of God!!

I am not ready for success. Yesterday I drew lipstick all over my face… for the hell of it. I tried tucking my pretend penis between my legs! I already have been beating people with umbrellas.

I can’t bring myself to shave my head but I shaved my vajay jay. Yep all of it!

Do you hear the crazy laughter? It’s coming from me!!!

And the only way to deal is to drink! Pop pills. Snort something!

Oh god I just snorted pencil shavings!

I am now totally fucked up. Ohhhh go!! Why why!!

It’s cause I fucking got these highlights right?

Now I look like a White Person but with a Mexican tan!  I almost miss the questions if I do windows!

 

 

 

Singing the Monday Blues

Just so you know: You cannot put the car in reverse without it being actually on. Yeah… it’s already that kind of Monday.

This retardness on my part is a fine example of why there should not even be weekend. I end up forgetting how to function on a regular work day. In fact, even as I sit here at the office, I feel a little lost. My brain is trying to figure up why the hell I woke up so early.

This weekend I did absolutely nothing… nothing. So when I finally went to Walmart last night… I felt a little giddy. In fact we all did! Walmart is nice when there is no one there… and you can leisurely wander the store without confining the chillins’.

Part of the isolation from the world this weekend was because Sienna got sick. She got some stomach bug that apparently is going around. Poor her. She was in the bathroom all Friday evening, all Saturday and didn’t start feeling somewhat normal until Sunday evening.

So I was on Wipe Control, and as any mother knows, being in servitude humbles you.

“Moommmmmeeeeeeee”

“Yes Master.”

“Come wippeeee me.”

“Yes master.”

—————

The last time I wrote retard in my blog, I was attacked by a commenter upset that I used the word retard and how that was offensive to Mentally Handicapped people everywhere.

I was like what???? I didn’t call anyone retarded. The only person I retarded is me, my husband, the dog, and things like my car and such. And I use that term in the most loving way possible. God, that’s retarded!

———-

I introduced my kids to Indiana Jones this weekend. There was a marathon and I made my kids watch it. After awhile they all disappeared. Ahhh Harrison Ford … you were so hot! 

 

—————–

Have you guys seen Kick Ass?

It is so Kick Ass! Why didn’t have a dad who taught me how to kick ass, shoot guys, and perfectly throw knives in order to amend his vendetta against the local bad guy?

Ahhh, to dream.

—————

I got in two retarded arguments with my hubby.

Number 1: I told him that I wanted to work on being an early bird. God knows that I hate to wake up early and I would like to be a real responsible Mom and try to get up earlier… like 9am…ish.

I am trying people!!

I went on to explain that I was not a morning person…

And then he stated his opinion basically saying that was a bunch of hogwash!

“Marina there is no one that likes to get up early. I hated to get up early when I was younger. So there is no such thing as this whole ‘I am not a morning person thing’. Why be a jerk to people just because you want more sleep! If you have to wake up, what’s five minutes gonna help you with? “

Ok first off, I have a friend that loves  to wake up early. She wakes up at 5:30am for the hell of it!

Secondly, shut up!! If I say I am not a morning person that means I don’t like waking up early! I don’t harass people. I simply ignore them til I feel ready that I won’t kill them.

Number 2: I love conspiracy theories.

It’s like watching scary movies. You don’t honestly believe in it but its scary and fun to think about it.

I was telling Gus that right after the last Indiana Jones movie about alien-like skulls being found in South America, a documentary came out about actual alien-like skulls being found in the 20’s I believe.

I was telling Gus this and he completely blew me off!

He could not believe I believed in aliens. When the hell did I say that?

And what if I did? Who gives a rat ass!!!

I started telling him all the weird reports of aliens even been found in Roswell, NM. Again, not saying I believe it but just putting out there of what other people have said.

He went nuts on me!!

He told me I was on the verge of becoming a loony like Jesse Ventura.

Is there anything looney about this man other then hair do??

I got annoyed and cut him off. I don’t believe in aliens but its cool to think about especially regarding all the reports and various stories out there.

He obviously was not gonna believe me.

What I find interesting is that aliens from another planet is so  freakin hard to  believe but yet there is this dude in the sky somewhere watching us who created everything out of nothing.

Riiiiiggghhht …. And I am crazy.

Ok?

 

Shit You Should Definetely Know

Shit You Should Definitely Know

1. I actually spelled definitely right for the first time ever!

2. This is how I make my coffee at work. Because it is made with like 16 full scoops of coffee for a 12 cups pot I use half a cup of water, 5 creamers and 5 packets of sugar.  Always water down coffee that can fuel a diesel F 350 truck!

Would you like coffee with your sugar?

3. Everyone should have a zombie invasion survival plan. Seriously! I will tell you mine. First things you will need are tons and tons of wood to board up the windows and doors. You need to keep nails and a hammer on hand always. Shot guns, .45s, riffles, you name it need to be ready. And plenty of ammo. As soon as invasion goes into effect, raid the nearest Wal-Mart. Seal your self  inside by boarding up all windows and doors. For more reinforcement,  block all exists with furniture.  My husband and I have decided then to make a hole in the attic to view outside and kill any zombie that approaches us. And then just wait the zombies out or wait for rescue. This is Plan A. Plan B would include if one of us was to get bitten. We would cage them up. It would be taking a chance but loved ones stay together no matter how much the other wants to eat the flesh of the other.

 
4.  It’s true when they say you get what you pay for. When you pay a lot, more than likely you will be satisfied with your purchase. If you pay hardly anything or it’s free, chances are its gonna be shit like quality! I found a website that lets you see movies that are still intheatres.  I was ecstatic because it was also free.
 First, I saw Rio with my kids. It was awesome. Then I saw Something Borrowed. The movie was good. The only thing was the lighting was going in and out throughout the whole movie. The third was the kicker because the voices did not match the actors lips.  It was like getting a hard on for a stripper and then you find it it’s actually midget stripper night.  Yep! You’re disappointed but you still watch it.
 
5. Your children can teach you a lot. For instance, my oldest Savannah taught me out to shuffle! I think I lost 3 lbs doing it!
 
6. I saw Beyoncé’s music video and performance over the weekend.  I shake my head. First off, I am not a Beyoncé fan. at . all! However, she can sing. I’ll give her that. One thing though that NEEDS TO BE SAID is that she CANNOT DANCE. Cannot! Dance! Nope! Nada!  Everysince I have known the woman, she has pulsated on camera. Not danced, pulsated. Pulsated can be identified with heaving, being possessed by the devil, and/or having a seizure. 

Less Killing More Thrilling!!!

 
Come on girl dance right!! Shake that money-maker! And if you ain’t whoring it out, I ain’t buying! I have seen Britney’s woo ha,  Ciara’s ta ta’s. Come on Beyoncé!
I would do an impersonation of her but I am currently not interested in pulling a neck muscle.
 
Eh fuck it. I herby announce  my soon to be vlog of my impersonation of Beyoncé. First things, learn how to make a video!!
 
7. I got an email from Chilli’s saying that tomorrow is Kids Eat Free Day. How exciting is that?! I have three kids! They can eat like kings!! However, upon further review I learned that in order to get a free meal you must purchase  adult meal. Only then can you get ONE kids meal for free. Ugh, this country is failing me.
 
8. Just so know, my city (El Paso ) is suffering from a drought. Its been 110 days of no rain. So because of the lack of rain, shit ain’t growing. And because shit ain’t growing, little furry plant eaters are not making it. And because the numbers of plant-eating animals are dwindling, the mountain lions are coming into our city looking for food.  Yep freaking mountain lions! Who knew??
So if I just stop writing or tweeting, a mountain lion had to have gotten me because I won’t be looking for mountain lions. I’m always on the look out for Zombies, the real threat.
 
9. I can’t say I don’t mind when I catch someone staring at my boobs cause it never happens. First off you need boobs. Obviously. However, the one time I do I of course smack them with my big ass purse and shot obscenities at them. However once I am alone I jump for joy because they means this $200 bra works! Priorities people!
 
10.  Wow, I just realized that I need to be on the look out for zombie mountain lions! Dear God I didn’t think of that. Fuck now I must revive my whole plan!!
 
 

 

I Don’t Do Hitler!

Today I kind of wanted to make fun of religion in general. I have a bunch of ideas so if this sounds all,umm, 2nd graderish (?), I apologize.

Since Easter is like 4 days away, I figured people would need some insight in saving their soul. Ok not exactly insight. Then mindless drivel inforation I thought of in the shower.

Next to Christmas, Easter is very important. It’s the remembrance of Jesus’s death and his miracles of making bunnies shit colorful candy filled eggs on this special day!

I want a cremed filled one!!

You got to hand it to that Jesus! Facing his death but still thinking of the children! 

Anyways, I began thinking of all the possible religions people could follow so their soul is safe from damnation, and well, it’s a lot!

Truth be told, I am not familiar with any of these religion except the wheel which is what I believe caveman worshipped back in the day.

However, all these religions are based on one thing: faith.  Faith that some Intelligent Design was smoking grass (he obviously created it why not sample it?!)  and feeling a bit well bummed out. Not only was he majorly tripping out  but he had no one to share it with. SO thus he began creating the galaxies, planets, atoms, particles, gravity, earth, oxygen, water and all the life forms on the earth. To be quite fair, this Higher Being had to be on something to create some of these creatures!

He that created all things was seriously smoking something out of this world. Out of this world! See what I did there!

However that’s it … the belief and faith in believing something not substantiated by observable evidence. And that’s freaking awesome and kinda cooky at the same time!

I mean some people believe so hard that they are willingly to kill people over it, start wars, or kill themselves. The only thing I have been willing to fight over is the last taco from Taco Bell.  Again, that is some strong faith!

I am very un-religious. I rather watch a Jerry Lewis MDA telethon. Sorry.  But if you are the complete opposite, that’s cool! You do you! And I’ll do me!

However, for the record, I think religion is a big crock of shit. I am lazy ass person to commit myself to anything. Ask my work! They committed me to be at work everyday at 8:00am. I am swinging 8:40am! Sorry just not committed!  And again anything that backs killing children, women, men, old people for the sake of their God is totally not on my agenda. I don’t do Hitler people! For the record, Hitler was a Christian. Yeah! Yeah! Granted, he also was slurping down the ME AS GOD TRAIN too.

However, if you’re into burning cockroaches and starting cockroach holocausts, I will help you out!

If you into religion, more power to you. Just don’t throw it in my face. Fuck if you can believe in God, angels,and the devil then leave me alone with fairies, Mickey Mouse and the Power Puff Girls!

So Happy Rabbit Laying Egg Day!

While you guys are getting enlightened on Sunday, I’ll be cooking out and throwing eggs at my kids cause that is how I roll!

Tag Cloud

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 560 other followers

%d bloggers like this: