It’s come to my attention that because this is my 27th year and I, for this year, am in the elite club called the 27 club where celebrities that are remarkable geniuses all died.
When?
When they were all 27 years old.
Don’t believe me … read all about it here.
So since my celebrity status has peaked, I realized that something was missing.
I need a stalker.
I do have a few requirements for you auditioning as the role of my stalker.
You must be female, you must not be the “Son of Sam” crazy, and your obsession of me must be healthy.
I want someone to hide in the bushes and follow me, know how to use a camera, and be singing the “You’re Beautiful” song by James Blunt as they follow me through my daily commute.
So let’s get ready to get healthy!!
If you are interested in applying for the job, fill out the form and put it either post it in the comments or a blog post and link me so I can read it.
I will definitely pick the best ones and post here and later on pick a winner.
Name: _______________________________
Favorite Color: ________________
Song You Would Sing to Me: _________________________
Are you allergic to any type of bushes or trees: ________________________
Can you afford to me smother me in bling: _________________________
What type of lens to do you use in your camera: __________________________
Which is my best side: _____________
Have you had experience in stalking: YES or NO
If yes, who did you stalk: ______________________
Why did you stop stalking: ____________________________
Will you be dedicated to me (Explain) : ______________________
Why Should I Pick You: __________________________
Additional Comments (Bonus Points): ___________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Name: _Maggie the Mutha fucking Magnificient______________________________
Favorite Color: ____Red, the color of the blood that flows through your gorgeous veins____________
Song You Would Sing to Me: __Salt and Peppa’s Pushit. On days whenyou are sad thissong will automaticly lift your spirits,though with the knowledge of me being around , I think those sad days will be few._______________________
Are you allergic to any type of bushes or trees: _______Are Vagina’s considered bushes? I think I once heard some one refer to mine that way…but no._________________
Can you afford to me smother me in bling: _______I can afford to smother you …so long as you like cubic zarconias and fancy cut glass.__________________
What type of lens to do you use in your camera: __I don’t, I prefer an upclose and personal approach. I can get close to enough to actually reachout and tuch you but you never know I am there________________________
Which is my best side: ___All sides, that was a trick question wasn’t it?__________
Have you had experience in stalking: YES or NO Nothing that can be linked back to me
If yes, who did you stalk: __Who the fuck else? Robert Patton!_(sadly he doesn’t sparkle in real life)___________________
Why did you stop stalking: ___I didn’t want to but they said they wouldn’t press charges if I left peacfully…I can’t go back to prison man!_________________________
Will you be dedicated to me (Explain) : __Yes, as dedicated as Charlie Sheenis to his madness._________________
Why Should I Pick You: ___In short, I am awesome and I can dance too. So when I break out into Salt and Peppa’s ‘Push it” I can pop that pea, it will bel like your own god damn oarade,just for you!_______________________
Additional Comments (Bonus Points): ___________________________________________________________________________
Ah, push it
Ah, push it
Push it!
Oooh, baby, baby
Baby, baby
Oooh, baby, baby
B-baby, baby
Get up on this!
Ah, push it
Hey!
Get up on this!
Ah, push it
Get up on this!
Ah
Ow! Baby!
Salt and Pepa’s here!
Sal sal salt and Pepa’s here!
Salt sal sal sal salt and Pepa’s here!
Salt and Pep, Salt and Pep, Salt and pepa’s here!
Salt and Pepa’s here!
[Now wait a minute, y'all
This dance ain't for everybody
Only the sexy people
So all you fly mothers, get on out there and dance
Dance, I said!]
Salt and Pepa’s here, and we’re in effect
Want you to push it, babe
Coolin’ by day then at night working up a sweat
C’mon girls, let’s go show the guys that we know
How to become number one in a hot body show
Now push it
Ah, push it – push it good
Ah, push it – push it real good
Ah, push it – push it good
Ah, push it – p-push it real good
Hey!
Ow!
Push it good!
Oooh, baby, baby
Baby, baby
Oooh, baby, baby
B-baby, baby
Yo, yo, yo, yo, baby-pop
Yeah, you come here, gimme a kiss
Better make it fast or else I’m gonna get pissed
Can’t you hear the music’s pumpin’ hard like I wish you would?
Now push it
Push it good
P-push it real good
Ah, push it
Ah
Ah, ah, ah
Get up on this!
Boy, you really got me going
You got me so I don’t know what I’m doing
Ah, push it
Ah, push it
Push it
Boy you really got me going
You got me so I don’t know what I’m doing
Ah, push it
Push it
Ah, push it
Push it
Push it, ah
Push it,ah
Ah, push it
Push it
Push it
Push it_________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________See?Doesn’t that make you happy? ________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________
OK you are definetely stalker material but I think I am going to go Lindsey Lohan on you and ask you to be my Sam Ronson!!
You rock!!
Haha!
I don’t know how to follow Salt N Pepa.
No kidding huh!
She “pushed it real good”.
Name: Who would you like me to be?
Favorite Color: Although it was purple (and the color of the satin sheets I’d be laying you down on), I’ve surrounded myself in your favorite color (the color of love)!
Song You Would Sing to Me: Every Breath You Take (The Police)
Are you allergic to any type of bushes or trees: I respect and adore all “bushes” *wink wink*
Can you afford to me smother me in bling: Of course I can. The question is …. princess or emerald cut?
What type of lens to do you use in your camera:
I have a canon telephoto zoom lens and I’ve supplied you with the link for further evaluation
http://shop.usa.canon.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/product_10051_10051_158210_-1
Which is my best side: Face in the pillow and ass in the air side ? …… or upright and tilted backward side ? (you like your hair pulled right?)
Have you had experience in stalking: YES or NO YES< OF COURSE
If yes, who did you stalk: According to my attorney, her name is to be left our of all correspondence
Why did you stop stalking: had to by court order (I've learned a lot and won't be caught this time
)
Will you be dedicated to me (Explain) : Yes I will and have already provided you with the proof of my dedication, since I've shown you that I've researched how to travel from Las Vegas To Texas and back! Yes, I will bring you back here with me http://www.eplalimo.com/
Why Should I Pick You: Because I am excellent at everything I do (and I mean EVERYTHING)
Additional Comments (Bonus Points):
I’ll be watching you
Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take (I’ll be watching you)
Every single day
Every word you say
Every game you play
Every night you stay (I’ll be watching you)
Every move you make
Every vow you break
Every smile you fake
Every claim you stake (I’ll be watching you)
Every single day
Every word you say
Every game you play
Every night you stay (I’ll be watching you)
Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take (I’ll be watching you)
Every single day
Every word you say
Every game you play
Every night you stay (I’ll be watching you)
Every move you make
Every vow you break
Every smile you fake
Every claim you stake (I’ll be watching you)
Every single day
Every word you say
Every game you play
Every night you stay (I’ll be watching you)
Ha ha Awesome!!!
You are too funny!!
Ass in the air huh???
Name: Thoughtsy
Favorite Color: Sparkley
Song You Would Sing to Me: I think “Shoop” or “Ice Ice Baby” are the only songs that can possibly top “Push It.”
Are you allergic to any type of bushes or trees: No
Can you afford to me smother me in bling: Yes (if you mean bling from those 25 cent machines)
What type of lens to do you use in your camera: Whatever my phone has
Which is my best side: They’re all your best side.
Have you had experience in stalking: NO (But I can learn)
If yes, who did you stalk: You would be my first and that makes it special.
Why did you stop stalking: NA
Will you be dedicated to me (Explain) : Like sprinkles on a Pop-Tart.
Why Should I Pick You: I like cheese.
Additional Comments (Bonus Points): Did I mention I like cheese?
It’s funny that you speak of cheese…
I just ate a couple of handfuls of shredded cheese.
I was just assuring it was not poisonous!!!
Name: ____Crazy Ass Bitch
Favorite Color: __Don’t have one, I’m too busy eating it____________
Song You Would Sing to Me: __Just the way you are by Bruno Mars_______________________
Are you allergic to any type of bushes or trees: __Only the kind that cause me to fall out of them__
Can you afford to me smother me in bling: _Yeah, sure, Walmart has just what you need.
What type of lens to do you use in your camera: _One that let’s me focus on the important things.
Which is my best side: _You happy side.
Have you had experience in stalking: YES, in England
If yes, who did you stalk: The blue eyes, 6’5″ bloke that drives around in super cars.
Why did you stop stalking: When I got thrown out of the country_
Will you be dedicated to me (Explain) : Of course, I live to stalk!_
Why Should I Pick You: Because I’m basically harmless, but will kiss the ground you walk on. I also take a bad ass picture.
Additional Comments (Bonus Points): As long as you want me stalking you, I aim to please.
( I can’t wait to see if Thy responds!)
Ha ha ….
You got kicked out of England.
Now that is hardcore!!
People don’t give Walmart enough credit sometimes.
Wow! What an idea? Seems like you got that concept from another planet. So so ‘Wow’