In the room where I sleep … my thoughts overflow.

Archive for 2011

I yearn for… for …. for zombies….

During these wonderful holidays  family visited often and I was able to trick some of my family members.

One family member reported that they ran across an article online of a case involving rabies somewhere in the south. It was the first rabies account on a  human in many years. I have no idea why the hell she told us girls that. Maybe to fill the awkward silences of conversations, I don’t know. I mean you only can only complain about men for so long

So I turned around all stone faced and told my sister-in-law and her sister that this was indeed serious.

I said, “Every one knows that if the rabies virus isn’t taken care of, humans can become zombies. Flesh eating monsters are no joke!”

I expected to get a laugh outta that… cause I am such a jokester.

Alas, their mouths hung open and they stared at me. After awhile, they started to reason that it was true!!!

One said,” Well yea that’s true. Dogs wanna attack and eat human flesh. (HUH??) They foam at the mouth, their eyes turn red (What??? Zombies not vampires!!), and they are extremely angry!”

Angry?

I wouldn’t call a zombie angry. I would a call a zombie more carnivorous, leaning toward ‘I am so hungry, I can eat a horse’ hungry!

Actually more like a pregnant woman as soon as she wakes up. If she doesn’t eat in the next five minutes, the mother fucking house is gonna burn down!!

You know what I am talking about. There were times I remember I was so hungry and when the anger was rising up, I swear I spit fire!

Zombies are not pist off. They don’t have daddy issues;  their jobs don’t suck because there is no corporate ladder to climb as a zombie. They are dead!!! Oh excuse me…. they are the undead. Dead but not quite. Like 50/50.

Animals that have rabies aren’t dead!! They aren’t the undead coming back to life. Its an infection in the brain!! And the end result is that rabies kill!

 Fatality!!!

I watch these girls continue the conversation without me talking about how becoming a zombie is so possible now.

 What the fuck!! I mean… normally I would  jump on any bandwagon that included zombies especially if it meant it was now more than ever of great importance to use my entire credit card to purchase the badass 1911 pistol.

 Fuck the credit card because we are all gonna die anyway.

 However, even I know (sadly) that zombies don’t exist. And rabies are not the starting point.

Or is it….

No no it’s just not possible. It has to be man-made! Fuck!! We can’t even cure zits how the hell we gonna make a zombie virus!!!

I mentioned this whole conversation later to the hubs. He couldn’t believe that I actually said someone needed to create this zombie virus. He asked if I was some kind of monster or something.  Zombie? No! Monster? Maybe.

Sigh….

A zombie apocalypse is just what we need. It would certain liven 2012 up. How many of us would be forced on a exercise plan in order to flee from zombie. America would no longer be the fat country of the world!

 Just imagine eating flesh, brain eating, moaning, dancing the Thriller dance….

I need something til Walking Dead comes back on.

 

Tebow: 0 ; God:Still Winning

Thank freaking God Tebow lost.

I mean I was rooting for the virgin but with all this religion,Jesus only loves the Broncos, hub drub I was starting to get worried.

Jesus obviously loves everyone…

Also, in a drunken bet, I told everyone that if Tebow won against the Pats I would got to church. I would “believe”.

Thank God that didn’t happen. See what I did there….. I thanked God for … oh nevermind.

So God must love Brady… or has  a daughter that we don’t know about that has seen Brady in his skeevies….

I am just trying to make sense of it all.

So moral of the story: Tebow is not anointed by God and Brady probably loved Tebow scrambling frantically,”Why has God forsaken me? Is this a test?!??!”

Tebow that one time in band camp did count!!

Just saying!

Quotes I Will Say One of These Days… Or God So Help Me!!

I am a major movie buff. In fact, that may be a understatement. I am obese with movies. There that is better.

 

And when I see some of these movies,  these great quotes come out that I love. And I am ballistic with joy that I am determined to use these in life when appropriate! I will make it happen!!

For instance, two weeks ago I saw the movie Horrible Bosses. I thought it was quite funny. These guys had to be the dumbest three dudes on the earth but they worked it!

In a nutshell, these three buddies complain endlessly about their bosses who torment them and make life difficult for them. 

In one scene, one of the guys is explaining why he can’t get another job. Dale is a dentist assistant and his boss willingly hired him despite that fact that he is registered sex offender.

Nick Hendricks: You can’t get that expunged? All you did was point your dick out in a playground.
Dale Arbus: I was taking a piss at night. There weren’t no kids…alright. You know what? You don’t put a playground right next to a bar. That’s entrapment.

Ha ha. That still cracks me up!!

So after thinking deep long and hard a few of the guys decide to  hire a profession hitman to off their bosses.

They all meet in a hotel and wait for his arrival.

Nick Hendricks: You found a hitman online?

Dale Arbus: Yeah!
[shows him what he's found on his laptop]
Dale Arbus: I mean they don’t write hitman, right? Cause that’s dumb. So, they use little code words, like ‘wet work’, right? ‘Liquidation’. Check him out.
[reading the ad on the web site Dale's found]
Nick Hendricks: Skilled professional with years of experience in domestic and international wet work. Fast and discreet. No children or political figures.
Kurt Buckman: That last part was important to me. When I saw that I thought, okay, this is a good idea.
Dale Arbus: I still feel like we should have got a cheese plate or something for this guy. Just to make him feel…


 

Why can’t I find friends like this??? Conversations would be awesome!!!

And when that fails they go looking in the worst part of town for a hitman. White suburbia guys are hilarious!!

They find this real run down bar and Kurt who is my fave in this whole movie yells out:

Kurt Buckman: Hey, uh…does anyone here kill people for money?
Nick Hendricks: Kurt!
Bartender (Dive Bar): What the fuck you just say?
Kurt Buckman: Oh, no! It’s not a race thing. Uh…I believe that society discriminates and disenfranchises you folks.
Bartender (Dive Bar): You folks?
Nick Hendricks: Subtle!
Bartender (Dive Bar): Man, I’m a small business owner. Won’t have you call me disenfranchise.
Kurt Buckman: Well, not you in particular. I guess that…
Bartender (Dive Bar): Oh, right! You mean all black people?
Kurt Buckman: Yes.
Dale Arbus: No!
Nick Hendricks: I’m gonna be in the car.
[the bar tender picks up a baseball bat]
Dale Arbus: Woh! A baseball bat.
Kurt Buckman: Uh…I didn’t mean to offend you. I’m…I’m sorry if that’s what happened here, okay? If you knew me better, you’d know my heart was in the right place.
Bartender (Dive Bar): In about five seconds your heart gonna be in the wrong place.

I didn’t realize til now how much I love this movie!

So the guys decide to kill each others’ bosses. They do some recon by breaking into their bosses’ house. After breaking into Kurt’s bosses house, they go to Nick’s boss house.

[a picture of the bosses wife sits front and center on a table]

//

Kurt Buckman: Oh man! She is hot!
Nick Hendricks: She sure is. Here we go.
Kurt Buckman: Tell you what, I’d like to bend her over a barrel and show her the fifty states. You know what I’m sayin’?
Nick Hendricks: I don’t know what that means.
Kurt Buckman: It’s a saying.
Nick Hendricks: I don’t think so.
Kurt Buckman: No. It is! It is! Yeah. People say that.
Nick Hendricks: I haven’t heard it.
Kurt Buckman: I…I’ve definitely heard people say that.
Nick Hendricks: I’m not gonna argue with you. Let’s continue the recon.
Kurt Buckman: Well, that’s definitely a phrase.
Nick Hendricks: It sure isn’t!
Kurt Buckman: Yeah, it is. It’s from a book. The Great Gatsby, maybe?

I totally used that line with my husband. I asked him one night after we were getting all lovey dovey,   hot and heavy if he wanted to bend me over and show me the fifty states.

He totally wasn’t in the mood after that.

Finally Kurt goes and does recon on Dale’s boss who is a hot woman who is always sexually harassing him. She is one horny chick through the entire movie. Dale and Nick realize that Kurt actually ended up “bending her over and showing her the fifty states”.

Kurt Buckman: At first I was surveying her, like I was asked to do.
Dale Arbus: That was all you were asked to do!
Kurt Buckman: She is incredibly hot.
Dale Arbus: Don’t talk about how hot she is, you fucking God damn bastard!
Kurt Buckman: So fucking hot! She really is hot. Next thing you know, she starts deliberately undressing. Come on! In front of her window, with her lights on! It’s like she knew I was watching her.
Kurt Buckman: She is clearly putting on a show. Then, the next thing you know, she uh…she makes herself a little snack.
Nick Hendricks: Did she have an ice chest?
Kurt Buckman: A popsicle. Then a banana.
Dale Arbus: Come on!
Kurt Buckman: And finally, a hot dog! I mean, come on!
Dale Arbus: No, I don’t believe your story.
Kurt Buckman: Three penis shaped food! That…that can’t be a coincidence, right? And eating them in that weird order? That’s not proper meal.

OMG am I the only one dying here?? These guys are idiots but I soooo love them. I really love them!!

I seriously loved this movie. Every part of it is hilarious and yes… it ends happily.

And now I have the wierdest crush on this guy, Jason Sudeikis who played Kurt.

 


 

 

Tebowing or Teboning: What Happened??

People have been talking about Tim Tebow a lot especially during his football games. In case you don’t know, Tim Tebow is the quarter back for the Denver Broncos.

Tebow is one hell of a player and he is one handsome guy. I always thought so!!

Well, it’s also known that Tim Tebow is a big Christian boy. He is very public with his beliefs. In fact, every time he has participated in a big play, he automatically points to the sky or gets down on his knees and thanks God.

This “move” is now called “Tebowing.” It’s  an actual word, a new verb that has been added to the English language.

And see none of this wouldn’t matter IF the Broncos weren’t all of a sudden a winning team. Yes winning!!  Tebow has directed his once-floundering teammates to six straight victories! His outward display of his Christian faith, along with his unorthodox playing style, have made him the most controversial and polarizing player in the National Football League.

Tebow, who has been dubbed the “Mile High Messiah’’ and has given new meaning to quarterbacks “taking a knee,’’ has found himself a humorous target. Broncos jerseys with “JESUS’’ emblazoned above his No. 15 are hot sellers in Denver. Bill Cosby asked residents to “call Tim Tebow and ask him for a great day’’ before the comedian performs there at the end of March. Oakland fans held up “Welcome to Hell’’ signs before the Broncos played there last month.

Tebow’s own pastors are saying that the whole reason his team is winning is because Tim is a devout Christian who recognizes God in his life, lives accordingly, and is a virgin.

A what?!?!?!

A virgin!??!

Are you serious?!?!

No one has tapped that yummy, tight ass!! Why not?

Ohhhhh, he is waiting for marriage??

That is a travesty!! Not the whole waiting for marriage thing… but the fact that no one has been dipped into his sexual chocolate!!!

That is a crime!! Tebowing should have never been invented!! It should have been Teboning!! Or Tebowing should have meant something entirely different! That he ganged bang the hell outta the college groupies!!

It would have been epic!!

Imagine his new touchdown dance will be pelvis thrusts!!

This guy knows what I am talking about

Just saying…. someone needs to get on that.

I totally volunteer.

Alas, now he is this poster child that weak-minded people have latched onto… because he is winning games. It’s an apparent sign! It’s not because he is a bad ass player that he has a defense to be reckoned with.

No, God has chosen Tebow.

And that also means the rest of the teams are screwed!! Especially my Dallas Cowboys. They will never see a super bowl again!!

I can guarantee all my Boys are fornicators, drunkards, gamblers, etc.

God damnit! We are so screwed!!!!

God hates the Cowboys!!!

Jesus hates us Romo.

Musical Revolution- Friday is Forever or until Midnight

It’s true I love me some music. I love it so much I will I could make sweet sweet love to it…. but then I think if I am making love to music what will be listening to while me spank it?

My husband?

Yeah, I guess I haven’t worked that out to much.

I like country peeps…. stop with your boos!! I appreciate the fact that country can be deep, loving, poetic, and even darn right funny.

Here is what I mean…. here is the racist bastard that I still love…

Toby Keith- Red Solo Cup

I mean its about time someone made a thank you song to that plastic song. I am currently working on a tribute song to Scott toliet paper. My ass has never felt so clean.

Here is another one that I just about died laughing at….

Ain’t the truth people…. ain’t the truth!!

Rodney Carrington-If I’m The Only One

But its not all about country music… many artists wanna make a funny too.

Have you heard this one?

I find it so offensive I love it!

Duck Sauce- Big Bad Wolf

So that’s it…. that my episode of today’s hits.

Remember Friday is forever!!!

If You Can….

A coworker of mine just came and told me that her daughter had to tell her little one that there was no Santa. The mother has been out of a job for so long she can’t afford to buy presents let alone propane for her trailer.

The very thought of a child on Christmas day without anything just brought me down to tears.

At work, we have an Angel tree and I attempting to see if I can help out two children there.

I was looking through the Noel Operation in the newspaper as they try to raise jackets for the kids in the city. I only have one jacket to donate.

All I ask because I know times are tough… I have four kids of my own… but if you can, look in your newspaper and see who you can help out there. Whether it’s a jacket, a meal, or even a present….

Anything.

If we did it just once….. it would help.

Wish I Tweeted That Wednesday…..

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